The Good Wife
Two Girls, One Code

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 7 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Can Everybody See That I'm On Fire?

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M SOME RIELLE HUNTER

The chick that supposedly slept with Peter is, um, a lunatic. Kalinda spots her Crazy Eyes from across the room, but does the interview anyway.

Chick: "Old guys like to flirt with me, and I crave the attention, so..."
Kalinda: "Your childhood was not a picnic, I take it."
Chick: "Oh, by no means. It's why I'm such a nightmare. Anyway, we had sex like eight times, including at his apartment."
Kalinda: "He didn't have an ap... I mean, go on."
Chick: "Yeah, and his wife walked in on us one time!"
Kalinda: "Nope."
Chick: "And she was like, 'I'm not like a regular wife, I'm a cool wife..."
Kalinda: "Nope. Absolutely not."
Chick: "And then we had a threesome! And then Arnold Schwarzenegger came over and we had an orgy! And I was abducted by aliens during it! We had turkey and tomato sandwiches! I went to a farm one time where nuns were raising tiny little horses, miniature horses or maybe ponies! They drive around in golf carts! One of the nuns let me drive a golf cart! I almost went in the lake! All they had was lite mayo!"

L/G
Neil Gross dicks them around for about a million years, for no real reason, until -- like in every scene of this entire episode -- a lightbulb goes off over Alicia's head and realizes that he's bought the Girls off, so she runs to her office to see them in their stinky lazy clothes.

Girls: "Neil Gross hired us to run Wicked Savage Designs, so this whole episode was pointless. Thanks, though! The incredibly unpleasant witnesses really added a certain elan."
Alicia: "Uh huh. And were you planning on telling me that?"
Girls: "Oh, we were about to write a Post-It about it."
Alicia: "You guys kind of suck, actually. No follow-through. I hope you like working for Neil Gross."
Girls: "We absolutely will. Have you smelled the top of his head? Heaven."
Alicia: "Okay, well, next time you need help, I want you to take that middle finger right there and jam it up the other one's ass rather than calling me, okay? Because seriously fuck you guys."
Girls: "We will do that!"

They do. It descends swiftly into scat, and thus to vom. Unexpected twist, but I guess the episode title told you that was coming. I don't know that "vom" is the word for that, I just made it up just now, but I refuse to ChumHum the definitive answer on the grounds that I would almost certainly end up doing a little vom of my own. Of all the hilarious ways this show has no idea what it's talking about a lot of the time, technology- and internet-wise, the title of this episode may be their crowning achievement. It's like when your mom misuses common expressions -- "What is DTF?" It means "doing the Facebook," mom "Oh, really? I'm DTF right now!" Dude your mom is AWESOME -- but kicked up a notch into actual porn. Which I have seen, by the way, and do not recommend. Zero stars.

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The Good Wife

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