Why's everybody working on the weekend? They all have different reasons, but do you really need even one when it involves Cary Agos in his civvies? It's like that old thing of, Could God make a burrito so hot that God could not then eat said burrito? If the burrito looked like Cary Agos in a $300 hoodie and yoga pants, maybe. Maybe it would be that hot.
Last episode ended with a bit of a Florrick campaign straw poll cliffhanger, if you'll remember: Eli got a call threatening a blog story about Mandy Post's theories on Peter's marriage. So you got Jackie wandering around hallucinating, Maddie Hayward hanging around having unspecified feelings about Alicia, and then Alicia gets the call: Lamond Bishop's accountant has just been arrested.
Eli calls Will for help with the blogger, which eventually gets back to Peter when the blogger's blog is eventually blogged and hacks him off for several obvious reasons. A sexed-up photo of the alleged campaign worker Indira sends the post viral, and things get very Gossip Girl at the straw poll with everybody turning on Peter instantly -- including Maddie Hayward, whose feminism means she's really offended by unfounded gossip about things that didn't happen. And who eventually invites Indira to the straw poll, because she is kind of a busybody apparently. She pulls her support from Peter's campaign, meaning that she is of no help on any level at this point, which will probably convince Alicia to be her best friend forever.
Annabella Sciorra, the lawyer representing Bishop's criminal interests, meets Alicia and Diane at his house for some incredible verbal sparring, then everybody splits up and does various kinds of research -- Cary tagging along adoringly after his new object of fascination, weird old Nathan Lane -- they figure out that Bishop's people are laundering money through his legit businesses, but the problem ultimately is a failed side business in HGH.
But while we're figuring all this out, the FBI (including Bishop's ultimate FBI stalker and Kalinda's girlfriend and sometime stalker, Lana Delaney) moves in. There's an amazing run-in where Kalinda is giving the undercover FBI guys hell, to the point where Lana yells at her from inside the van to leave 'em alone (both of them find this scenario as amazing/charming as anyone would), and they move in for the search. Kalinda warns Alicia, who -- after a few moments of indecision -- warns Bishop, who immediately goes after whatever evidence the FBI is looking for.
Nathan Lane and Cary are falling deeper and deeper in love -- in such an amazing way, it's like watching Kalinda meet Eli all over again -- and the Trustee gets a taste for forensic accounting and generally being around lawyers and doing lawyer-type things.
While Diane supervises the FBI search, Alicia takes care of Bishop's kid outside and Cary suggests that he get himself arrested so they can unseal the warrant and find out what's going on with the FBI: One of the informants they've got in Bishop's organization has gone missing -- Kalinda finds her rotting in her own car trunk -- and it looks like the boyfriend is the one that did it. Lamond gets Alicia to draw up a quick guardianship for the kid, just in case this goes south, and lets the FBI in on Kalinda's horrible discovery, and submits to a slow-mo musical montage arrest.
So in one hour, we go from wondering if L/G are going to steal Lamond's drugs business for their own (Alicia's horrified, but both Lockhart and Gardner are pretty blasÃ© about the fact they've considered this all along; Nathan Lane is like, "Why wouldn't you?") to watching him dragged out into the night, in handcuffs. Pretty sad story, altogether, but I guess the point is don't sell drugs and be a huge thugged-out criminal if you love your kids. It seems pretty simple but I guess we needed to reiterate that: If you were thinking about operating the largest meth network in the Midwest, you should know there may be consequences.
What else. After a near-offensive first meeting with his token business partner convinces him to stay in town just to mess with his wife, Nick tosses Lana's apartment. Kalinda's attempt to rain hell down on him, in the midst of his unending butthurt love talk, goes awry once again. In this case, it's because while acting creepy at Lana's, Nick learned she's investigating Kalinda's ties to Eli Gold, which gets really complicated real fast when you think about it. Eventually, she breaks up with Lana to protect her, but we'll see. Oh, and there's a funny moment in Nick's hysterics where you realize that his obsession really just comes down to him being the first and worst of the many men, women, mailboxes et cetera to fall victim to the Kalinda Effect.
I know what a burden it can be, when people are constantly falling in love with you because you're so amazing. But not once did I ever think to wonder what that's like from the other side. So I guess I'm growing as a person. Thanks, show.
Next Week: Amanda Peet! Peet in the house! So excited for that. Amanda Peet in a military uniform, yowza. Oh, and possibly Maddie Hayward has been playing all of us this entire time and is actually Peter's new opponent or something? I am so tired of not having any clues what's going on with her, I hope the lead-up is worth it. Bet it will be.
Previously have there ever been Previouslies on this show? It's part of the attempt to pretend to be a procedural that they never have those. But since we haven't seen Lemond Bishop since his wife "disappeared," and we haven't talked about the FBI's interest in him in a while, and since this entire episode is about that, I guess it makes sense. And since we're already doing "Previously there was this guy Lemond Bishop," you might as well toss in "Also this Maddie Hayward is up to something, nobody knows what it is," and "Kalinda's backstory has become a hopeless nonsensical mess" while you're at it.
Lemond's taking care of his kid's morning activities; Dylan's having a birthday party he's very excited about, and what we know that he doesn't is that nobody's coming to his birthday party, due to his father being the premiere drug kingpin of Chicago. So there's a bounce house coming, and nobody to bounce in it. At least, until he's got the kid off to school and then all of his phones start ringing. Which, since he's a drug dealer, he has like eleven thousand phones.
THE STRAW POLL
Is happening in the AM, which I wasn't really clear on. It's a Saturday morning, which means either everybody has been standing around without moving, like mannequins, since last week, or much of the last episode's final act took place on a Saturday morning, which I guess I just wasn't getting. Anyway, Saturday morning, and all the things that were happening at the Straw Poll last week are still happening.
Jackie: "Such as me staring at invisible bugs instead of talking to Alicia."
Alicia: "Or me realizing that Jackie's finally lost it."
Maddie Hayward: "Or me standing around in the middle of other people's stories like usual, for a mysterious reason that is only now coming together."
Jackie: "Who are you, even?"
Maddie: "I'm paying for everything."
Jackie: "Then I guess I better be nice to you. Or insult you, depending on how I feel."
Pollster: "Or me hanging around and being about to crawl up Eli's ass in a forthcoming scene to drop the line that finally explains what Maddie Hayward is up to."
Eli: "Or me. talking to Jimmy V of PoorAnarchy.com about his blog post about a magazine story that never happened, thanks to Mandy Post being a weird zealot, and then being super bitchy to an intern, because have you met Eli Gold."
Kalinda: "Or me, who is not actually in this scene but does a lot of interesting shit in this episode, for the first time all year."