The Hills

The One Before Vegas

Can't Always Get What You Want - Heidi plunges headfirst into a new plan to become the world's worst wife and mother. Kristin dominates Jayde in an anticlimactic verbal slap fight over showmance rights to Brody, then ends up getting her heart handed back to her by the Jenner himself.

"On to the Next"

"On to the Next" - Spencer dashes the world's hopes by eliminating the possibility of a vasectomy. JB dashes Audrina's hopes by ending the relationship he never even acknowledged in the first place -- and in the most excessively cruel way possible. And Kristin dashes out of the club when Jayde gets shove-happy after seeing her cuddling in da club with Brody.

New Dogs, Same Old Dicks

"I'm Done with You" - Speidi hosts a birthday party where Kristin deigns to "clear the air" (read: gloat heartily) with Audrina re: JB. Instead, she gets her ass served to her. She decides to hate the player, not the game, calling off the showmance. Also, puppies!

Rude Awakenings

"Sorry Boo, Strike Two" - Kristin throws a party that wreaks all sorts of havoc, just as intended. Holly lets her choreographic freak flag fly, prompting Heidi and ShePratt to stage a second Holly-vention. Kristin seriously considers cutting that flaky trickster JB off from her cooch. And Canadian Jayde and Brody have it "oat"… yet again.

Booze & Boos

Old Habits Die Hard - JB cooks an "I sowwy" dinner for Kristin while simultaneously texting and leading on Audrina. Holly drinks to excess -- perfectly understandable considering the company she's keeping.

The Affair of the Reckless

Strike One - Brody's birthday marks the start and end of at least two relationships, splintering his bond with Jayde and expediting the inevitable drifting apart of Kristin and JB, who were never really seeing each other in the first place. Also, Spencer continues to bandy about the hollow threat of getting his tubes tied. Don't say it if you don't mean it, Big Spender. I've got a medicine bag and a rusty scalpel with your name on 'em.

Hot Messes

"Mess with Me, I Mess with You" - Speidi babysits. Kristin straddles the hog. Audrina mopes to emo music. Everyone else is multi-thousand-dollar-earning wallpaper.

Last-Bitch Effort

"It's On, Bitch" - ShePratt's dreams are dashed again as Kristin steps up as the primary shit-stirrer. The never-ending Audrina-Justin Bobby saga… well… it never frigging ends. And Speidi moves into a self-proclaimed "Porno Pad." A step up from the Stripper Hotel if you ask me.

I Do(uche)

Speidi's Wedding Unveiled - Want a millionth "exclusive" peek into the Speidi wedding? No? Well they're giving it to you anyway.

Nice Day for a Trite Wedding

"Something Old, Something New..." - Lauren bids adieu. Speidi makes it legal. Kristin Cavallari returns to vie for semi-relevance. And it's boring as all get-out. What a let-down.

The Old Hills Thread

The Hills In The Media

Lauren "L.C." Conrad

Heidi Montag

Lauren "Lo" Bosworth: She Loooves Ginger!

Audrina Patridge

Spencer Pratt: Get Out Of His Car!

Time to Dish It Out: The Hills After Show

3-1/2: "You Know..."/"Big Girls..." 2007.08.13

3-9: "What Happens In Vegas..." 2007.10.01