In the series finale of The Hills Kristin left for Europe after Brody revealed he was dating someone else; Lo moved in with her weird, old boyfriend; Audrina got a place by the beach; and it was revealed that the entire show was a carefully constructed fake, complete with painted sets and directors, confirming our belief that no group of people could actually all be that vapid and superficial in real life.

Last Friday, MTV chose to show an "alternative ending" to The Hills' simultaneously bewildering and vindicating finale (you're lying if you didn't scream "I knew it was fake!" at your TV when all was revealed). The network had been teasing fans for weeks, baiting nostalgia hounds and teenyboppers alike. When the thing actually aired, however, it was pretty disappointing. First off, the whole scene was just three and a half minutes long (and half of that was a rehash of the final episode). Yes, it was kind of fun to imagine that Brody ended up with LC... a final "F You" to Kristin, if you will. Of course, this ending would have been a whole lot more satisfying four years ago, when anyone actually cared about any of these people.

If, after watching the alternative ending you were as nonplussed as I was, you're in luck. I've put together list of six ways I wish this farce would have ended. Think of it like the movie Clue, but with more self-tanner and less Tim Curry:

Alternative Ending 1. Audrina is a robot from Austin Powers

Audrina is really good at acting like there is not a lot of brain activity going on in that shiny little head of hers. So good, in fact, that Kristin, Lo, Justin Bobby and even Stephanie start to get suspicious. The gang gets gathers and begins listing off her machine-like qualities: they've never seen her go to the bathroom; her eyes are strangely glassy and vacant; she speaks in a whiny monotone that sometimes sounds like metallic grinding. Then it hits them. Lo squeals, "Oh my God, Audrina is a robot!" Everyone else looks back at her in horror. The camera pans up, revealing Audrina is standing over Lo. Audrina's eyes roll back in her head (something we've seen many times before) and guns emerge from her breasts. "I just wanted to feel what it was like to be human" she cries as she's tackled to the floor by government agents. Unfortunately, no one on The Hills possessed enough humanity to teach a robot to love.

Alternative Ending 2. Heidi Montag got left out in the sun too long and melted

During the original finale montage--which also depicts Kristin driving away to the airport, Brody staring forlornly into space, and flashback of LC--Audrina is shown walking along the beach in front of her new house. She kicks at the sand absentmindedly, looking at the ocean. In the distance, we see a dark shape lying on the beach. Audrina approaches. She stops a few feet away, then gasps, hand flying to her mouth and a look of horror spreading across her normally blank features. Heidi is lying crumpled in the sand. Except… is that Heidi? She seems too shiny and liquid. Then we realize: Heidi, now composed of more than 80 percent plastic, has literally melted. It is revealed in an MTV special three weeks later that Spencer had been routinely hosing her down after spending time outside, because when she reached high temperatures pieces of her would begin dripping off. During the finale taping, however, he became distracted by his own terrible personality and forgot to move Heidi into the shade.

Alternative Ending 3. Brody Jenner has been hired as a professional douchery consultant

The morning after Brody attends Kristin's going-away party, we find him sitting down with his boys Frankie and Taylor, wondering what he should do with his life. Sure, he's rich enough to buy a small European country, but now that he doesn't have Kristin to jerk around or other similar activities involving females and asshattery to occupy his time, whatever will he do with himself? Frankie draws his eyebrows together so that the other boys know he is thinking deeply about this problem. Suddenly, he points his finger in the air and says, "Golly gee, I got it." Taylor, who had been playing with his navel, raises his baboon-ish head and goes, "Dude." Frankie proceeds, explaining that Brody is good at both manipulating women and at making other people hate him. Surely there are others who would like to learn how they too can act in this manner. Brody nods slowly. Flash-forward four months: Brody is sitting behind a desk decked out in a three-piece suit, talking to three men. We can only see their backs. He's demonstrating exactly how to smirk so that everyone knows you think you're better than them. The camera cuts away, and we see Chris Brown, Scott Disick and Dane Cook furiously taking notes.

Alternative Ending 4. Spencer is a Dexter-like serial killer with no feelings or humanity

Spencer and Heidi arrive at Kristin's going-away party. Both sort of slink around not making eye contact with anyone and sending out rays of hatred at passing strangers. Suddenly, a scream is heard. The music stops, and all heads turn, to see Spencer standing over Stephanie's limp body, blood gushing from a knife-wound in her chest. Kristin shrieks and faints into Brody's waiting arms. Spencer looks up and sees every staring at him in horror. He backs away, muttering about his "dark passenger" and how he's working on his "spirit" right now. Heidi tries to look shocked, but cannot move her face. Spencer turns and flees into the night. In the following days, it is revealed that Spencer led the police on a 16-hour manhunt before they found him inside a shipping container that had been lined in plastic. In a press conference, his lawyer explained that Spencer was taught a Code by his father Harry, and that he only kills people who "deserve it." Actually, Stephanie falls into that category.

[Note: It is entirely possible that Spencer Pratt does, in reality, have serious psychological issues. This is a man who referred to his mother-in-law as "just a vagina," and who then accused her of "decided to try to rape [his] wife emotionally in every single crevice on her body," … at a seven-year-old's birthday party. Just sayin'. -- Ariel Kay]

Alternative Ending 5. Stephen Colletti is leading an exceedingly normal life, having escaped these people unscathed before he too was turned into a monster

The finale montage plays, showing us a clip of LC from several seasons ago, smiling with a friend. The friend turns to look into the camera. We see that it is Stephen Colletti, Kristin's ex-boyfriend from Laguna Beach who chose not to appear on The Hills. Next in the montage we see shots of Stephen rehearsing for his role on One Tree Hill (remember that!), going to a family barbecue, surfing, and holding hands with his girlfriend. The Hills gang is nowhere in sight. His life is blessedly simple, drama-free, and lacking in general backstabbing. Stephen sighs happily. He has not seen Heidi Montag in five years.

Alternative Ending 6. LA does not exist

Brody stands next to his car, watching Kristin drive away from him. The camera zooms out, showing that he is in fact standing in front of a painted set, next to a group of directors and cameramen. Kristin, whose car is just out of the shot, climbs out and gives Brody a platonic, friendly hug. The camera zooms out farther, revealing that the pair is not on an actual street, but being filmed on a giant studio lot. The camera continues to pan out, farther and farther into space. Brody and Kristin get smaller and smaller. But something's not right. Outside the studio, we don't see the hustle and bustle of LA, or the Hollywood sign. No Rodeo drive, no Mann's Chinese Theater. Instead, all that surrounds the studio is a vast desert, devoid of any human structures. And then we realize. It's not just the drama of The Hills that doesn't exist in reality. It's all of LA. This mythical city was just a backdrop on which to play out the narcissism of a group of over privileged twenty-somethings. And now that The Hills has ended, so has the entire metropolitan area.

Coincidentally, MTV announced the alternative Hills ending just one week before NBC aired its first episode of Siberia, a scripted show that is meant to look like a reality competition. We've now come full circle, from a show that was fake but meant to look real, to a show that is fake but meant to look real but we're all in the know that it's actually fake. It's common knowledge today that "reality" shows have scripted elements, or at least producers who nudge the participants in the right direction. So why not make sure we get the drama we all love to watch so much, and plan out the whole darn thing?

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