The Hills
Between a Rocker and a Hard Place

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Off Her Rocker

Previously: ShePratt's past nearly cock blocked her potential with a blind date Lo set up. Kristin's past with some bleached blonde bimbo fully cock blocked Brody and his new trick. And Justin Bobby, the ultimate cock blocker, spoiled Audrina's future with her spiky-haired paramour. "Now Audrina was about to realize that, no matter how hard she tried, she could no longer deny what she was really feeling..."

ShePratt, Lo, and Audrina gather to set the itinerary for the following week. ShePratt is particularly excited because she has a second date with blind date Max, whom she describes as looking "like a prom king." Lo asks what's new with Audrina. Or should I say "what's old"? Audrina says she visited JB, claiming she wanted to see his new bike. The girls immediately see through her flimsy cover story. They waffle over whether she should tell Count Mop-ula about her affair of the heart. Lo cuts the bullshit and says either way Barry Mane-ilow will see it as a betrayal because JB obviously bothers him. Lo wonders if Audrina would consider going back to JB if he changed his obtuse ways. Audrina lets out a big, indecisive (and moronic) sigh. Credits.

Elsewhere, Kristin gives Brody the details on her meet-up with McKaela. They rehash the gory details about Allie Lutz's adventures in B&E, during which Brody makes her out to be Gollum, and it's pretty amazing. Kristin laughs at McKlueless's insistence that Brody was the one pushing the relationship. Which, of course he was, because he was trying to tap that. Doesn't mean it was for life, sweets. Kristin knows these things. Brody asks about her plans for that and invites her to join him at Le Deux.

Across town, McMockery meets up with Allie Lutz. Man, that girl is unattractive. It's amazing how you can put together all the pieces of what is fairly universally considered attractive (blonde hair, youth, style, makeup, etc.) and still come up with such a mess. I think it's her prune face. She just looks worn. Not quite Lohan worn-out, but about six months away. Allie maintains her blamelessness in the burgling and claims she has no idea why Kristin doesn't like her. McGroupThink is all, "But all the other girls said..." Allie says her beef with Kristin dates back to high school, citing Kristin's bad reputation and her lack of brains. Wow, pot-kettle much? McWastingMyDamnTime asks yet again where the housebreak story came from, as if Allie would give her a straight answer -- even at gunpoint. Allie spins a fairly mundane web around McPatsy, who laps up every word and gets ever more confused.

That night, Kristin and Bartender Stacie arrive at Le Deux to find a tiger wandering the front of the property (in a cage). Kristin wants to touch it. Sadly, the producers don't let her, and we will see no bloody limbs tonight, folks. They meet ShePratt inside, and Audrina and Prince Hairy arrive shortly after. Hot on their tails is JB, decked out in an old man sweater with a hoodie underneath? I won't even try to make sense of his fashions. His words, unfortunately for me, I must try to decipher.

All the girls gawk and make a big scene. Frankie, who has apparently taken on the shitstirring role ShePratt once assumed, only adds to it by mentioning to Gel-ly McGillis that JB, a.k.a. Audrina's ex, is in the house. Gel-ly snarks, "I guess this is supposed to be the big scene." JB wanders around like the brain damaged he is for a while, finally stopping by Audrina and shaking her hand. Lo cackles uncontrollably at what a weirdo he is, while Kristin and BS comment on how hot he is. Yeah, I guess if you like that wayfaring sailor monk look.

Now that the non-frontation has been ratcheted up to insanity and the peanut gallery is partaking in contractually obligated chatter, Frankie introduces JB to Spike Jones and completes the love triangle that has been so desperately contrived by hard-up producers. I actually feel kind of bad for Spike because it's in this moment that you can tell he was a chubby kid who just happened to slim down, get a once-acceptable hairstyle, and ride Ashlee Simpson's coattails to fame. He looks so innocent and insecure as he blinks incessantly and shakes the hand of JB, the fame monster who used to bang his girlfriend (who kind of broke up with him last week? what happened with that?). He's like a guppy trapped on a banquette with a hungry shark. At this, ShePratt snarks, "I'd rather be with the tigers right now," sending Lo into another peal of cackling.

JB turns to Brody and says that he's happy for Audrina, but adds he naturally won't be Dudley Do-Wrong's number one fan right away. Brody totally understands, which is some bullshit double standard action up in here. Remember how Kristin said the exact same thing about McNewPiece, like, two weeks ago and Brody basically called her a jealous bitch for not acting all nicey-nice? Uh huh.

Then JB says that he respects that Hairy Belafonte is a rock 'n' roller, saying it takes one to know one. He says musicians are surrounded by chicks, just like he used to be. Oh, JB, go back to your day job as a hair stylist. Earning a little cred, he does acknowledge that Audrina doesn't deserve to get dicked around anymore, like he did to her. Of course, this still kind of puts Hairy in the chump position because it implies that he's not taking advantage of all the groupie offerings, but it's actually a coherent sentence, so I'll give JB a pass for the moment.

Heather Locks-lear finally decides he's overheard enough of his girlfriend's ex dredging out the details of their relationship, and he does the hard press for her to leave. She tries to stall, but he's over the trumped up drama, and he practically drags her out by the extensions. Oh, but there's one last dose of mortification as he tries to tell JB it was nice to meet him. The Strand-y Man puts out a "back off my chick" high five, while JB extends his hand for a businesslike. The business, of course, being Audrina. JB is the landlord, Strand-y just rents her for the moment. Either way, neither guy will back down at first, so they're both left hanging. Eventually, they meet in the middle, with JB fist bumping Ryan's high five. It's really strange, to say the least.

Kristin barely waits until they're out of earshot to laugh evilly at how horrible that just was. JB gets a serious look in his eyes. He says Audrina deserves the world and doesn't "need another rocker comin' and runnin' her up again." Oh, step off, Bobby. Not everyone is a prick like you. And coincidentally, you are the only thing she doesn't need in her life now... or ever. So please leave and take your sparkly helmet with you.

The next day, Audrina and Kristin sun themselves poolside. Audrina says she and the fellow are staying in that night and asks what's going on with Brody. Kristin says the Allie drama has somehow brought them closer but hopes that McSloppySeconds doesn't keep bringing her around. Audrina says that's what JB does, nevermind that she constantly invites it of him. Kristin asks how Audrina felt about last night and why they left so abruptly. Audrina pins it on the Whooping Coiffe and his insecurities about JB. Kristin says it's inevitable that the two of them will see JB from time to time. Audrina thinks Robin of Locks-ley missed a prime shot to stick around and stand his ground. Audrina wonders why JB is back on the scene, bizarro handshakes and all. Kristin fucks with her mind, saying that maybe JB got jealous when he found out that Audrina had found someone new. I am still wondering how this conversation is even happening. Wasn't the entire point of last season that these two girls hated each other because of JB? And suddenly they're palsy pals, laughing over what a tool he is? I mean, I know that happens and all, but shouldn't it have been addressed for, like, five seconds one time? Geez, show!

That night, ShePratt makes dinner for Max at her apartment. He arrives with "dessert." It's in a box: -1. It's Girl Scout Cookies: +100. She offers him a beverage, and it quickly becomes clear that she only has drinks of the soft variety. He doesn't push to know why, though, just takes a lemonade. They banter about his sub par cooking skills, then she asks what he would be doing if he weren't with her. He says he'd probably be hanging out with his brother. She mentions that she is estranged from her brother, plunging into the fact that they fell out because she got a DUI. She gives sketchy details of the madness into which Spencer has descended but keeps enough details to herself that Max isn't totally terrified. She says she's given up on him, which Max thinks is the opposite of what you should do for a sibling in need. She brushes off his judgment, and they bore their eyeballs down at her sad little salad.

Elsewhere, Grace Gel-ly rolls up to Audrina's apartment for their night in. They're both excited about a gig he has tomorrow, where he's going to debut some new music for his "fans." He tells her to invite the whole gang. Speaking of the gang, she brings up the night before. He wonders if it's weird that her friends still hang out with her ex. She says she didn't invite him and she can't help that she bumps into him. He says he doesn't want to have to worry about what kind of bumping could happen when he's out on the road. She lies that she tells him everything, and he calls her out, saying she tells him everything after. Or, in the case of JB, not at all. Witness: Band showcase. Witness: Bike shop.

Audrina says she's not used to spending so much time with someone. She adds that her friends are frustrated when they go out with them because Gel-ly wants to stay isolated. Last I checked, they were literally sitting in the middle of the crowd at Le Deux, but whatever... Gel-ly thinks she's in the middle of a fight-or-f

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The Hills

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