The Hills
Big Girls Don't C

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Big Girls Don't Cry

As is the custom on this show, the Previouslies tell us more than just what happened previously on the show. Which, to me, is a cheat of the Previously concept. It doesn't mean "Previously...in the history of humankind." But anyway, previously in Audrina's life, she dated a guy named Justin, and she ended up reconnecting with him the same night Lauren and Jason the Londoner made out. Also, Spencer continued his creepy possessive hold over Heidi and finally broke her and Lauren up for good.

We open on Spencer and Heidi, at an outdoor café, bitching about Lauren. He tries to make light of Lauren's "brainwashed" allegations, even though it's not entirely far off the mark. I mean, Heidi's even starting to curl her upper lip under like Spencer does. Or maybe her mouth is just getting used to the new teeth. Heidi says she thinks Lauren is projecting her Jason-based bad-boyfriend drama onto Heidi, even though Heidi and Spencer are totally not like that. At all! Not even a bit! Heidi will continue to tell you this! Until you believe her! Or she believes it herself! Whichever comes first! Switching gears, Heidi talks about sprucing up the apartment, making it more theirs than his. Maybe a coat of paint? Light yellow? Spencer makes the incorrect-answer buzzer noise. Not even Heidi deserves this douche. Not even Heidi! Who'd have thought?

At Lauren's place, she and Audrina are discussing the latter's getting back together with Justin, her ex. Lauren's hair is looking incredibly pretty right here (that's good) and she's holding her kitty, which is wearing a teeny sweater (that's bad). Audrina is drinking a Red Bull (bad) and reminding Lauren that Justin is the ex who left her stranded in Vegas (very bad). Lauren is, understandably, wary of this dude, but she lies that she'll be keeping her opinions to herself this time. Audrina says it's just a date, and afterwards, she's going to Forty Deuce with Lauren and Lo (!).

Spencer's Gilded Cage. Heidi returns home positively drowning in shopping bags to find that Spencer has taken it upon himself to do that painting Heidi was talking about. This translated to him commissioning a giant, obnoxious "HOLLYWOOD" graffiti tag on the wall. Spencer's personal touch? Little dollar signs at the periphery. Do you accept Spencer as the idle rich trust fund brat party boy player he so desperately wants to be? Is he officially the male Paris Hilton yet? It's just so...sad, this display. It's not even authentic Hollywood rich bitch excess. It's wannabe Hollywood rich bitch excess. It's new money. It's MTV Cribs. It's fucking Federline, dude. Anyway, Spencer shuts Heidi's concerns up with the promise of a trip to Santa Barbara this weekend.

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The Hills

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