The Hills
Big Girls Don't C

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Big Girls Don't Cry

The next morning, Audrina and Lauren post-mortem. Audrina says Justin-Bobby wants to start over, and she's kind of into that idea. Lauren is obviously trying very hard not to be too negative here, even admitting that all she knows of this guy is what she heard when Audrina would vent about him, so it's pretty skewed. Audrina's taking a "we'll see" approach, and she wonders if J-B would have any cute friends for Lauren. Lauren waits a beat, chooses her words carefully, and then reminds Audrina that they have "very different tastes." Audrina agrees with this, so Lauren apparently chose wisely.

On the road with Spencer and Brody. Their vehicle is fueled by misogyny, privilege, and the public-at-large's collective loathing for whenever Brody calls Spencer "homie." Anyway, the point? Spencer is thinking about proposing to Heidi, after merely one year dating. "The best year of my life!" Spencer insists. It was the year he got on TV, so I totally buy that one. Brody is firmly against this idea, saying Spencer's too young, at 23, to be getting married. He doesn't even let Spencer use his credit card to buy the thing. The scene ends with a depressing lack of Spencer's car getting T-boned at an intersection.

Epic Records. Audrina continues her season-long project of boring Chiara to death by telling her all about Justin-Bobby and how Lauren doesn't like him, but she has to learn to make her own mistakes and she's tired of not having a boyfriend and Chiara, why can't I see your eyeballs anymore?

Spencer and Brody roll into the jewelry store looking for some "bling." Oh for Pete's... Spencer makes a big dramatic show of the obnoxiously large ring he's picking out and how he should affix a tracking device to it, "so Heidi doesn't lose it." Sure, that too. Brody must've let him use the credit card anyway, because Spencer's like, "Sold. Wow. Done. Ready to get engaged." He buys the ring, making sure everyone knows he's buying the fattest diamond in creation, and then showily refuses the receipt, because he won't need it. That scene gave me hives. And a rage disorder.

After the commercials, Fergie serenades Spencer and Heidi down the highway to Santa Barbara. Meanwhile, Lauren's also taking a trip south, though hers is to Laguna. She visits with her mom and once again dances around the subject of Heidi and the sex tape rumors. They talk about how weird L.A. is and how people get caught up in it and become assholes.

Cut to: Spencer and Heidi. They lie on the beach, and he butters her up with this poetic gem: "You're pretty much the most amazing person I've met in my whole life, and that's so real, and every single day I'm with you I really am happy every day, and I...it's so...real." ...Really? He says he loves her and gives her the ring, but no one pops any questions, so in the end it's an empty gesture for an empty relationship. Heidi, in return, can't even begin her "Why I love you" talk without mentioning how everyone in her life told her Spencer was an asshole, which is pretty funny.

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The Hills

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