The Hills
Break-Up to Make-Up

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Here Be Dragons

Previously: McK brought that crazy housebreaking girl into the situation, many many times, and could never really explain why she was doing it. Kristin took stupid McK aside and asked her to stop generating drama if she didn't have a clear narrative for it -- this being what separates the greats, like Kristin and Stephanie, from the merely obnoxious, like Audrina -- but McK just sucked on her hair and stared and went to go call her crazy friend and cause more problems.

Brody was like, sort of he thought it was funny and sort of it was all getting to be too much, but he thinks girls are just these beeping contraptions anyway. On the one hand, it was hilarious that now the crazy girls were multiplying and forming roving packs. On the other hand, it was like McK had herself broken into the metaphorical house of the "crazy blonde girl breaking into the house" story, and was wearing it like a second skin and piloting the crazy blonde girl around from inside her own realistic narrative.

Also, both of them were telling people, mostly each other, that they were dating Brody and that he bought them a pony and things of this nature, which were wholly untrue. That's the bad kind of dangerous, the not-Kristin kind of dangerous. So then Kristin -- whose personal relationship with Brody is more about not having a narrative and making that the narrative -- had had quite enough of this business, and did what she had to do to make sure that everybody in LA knew that the crazy blonde girl was crazy, which essentially meant losing her shit on crazy blonde girl only insofar and as much as she had to, in order to turn crazy blonde visibly crazy, without herself seeming to be crazy. This was great, because McK was finally ashamed, but what nobody noticed is that mostly Kristin just accused the crazy blonde girl of being crazy enough times that it was obvious. Also, that blonde girl has a wonky everything and she is hard to look at.

The only thing sadder than mushmouth McK and her bad taste in whores is the creature of a relationship that Audrina and puffy elder statesman Ryan Cabrera have cooked up out of leftover moss and a chicken wing, so that was dumb some more. Audrina is so stupid that even when she has an emotion she doesn't know why or what it means, so she broke down crying while Ryan Cabrera was singing the only song he ever learned, and everybody including Audrina and Ryan just assumed it had to do with Justin Bobby, because honestly what else has ever happened to Audrina. It's highly probable.

So she sort of forgot herself, and those eyes went to the ceiling and when they came back down again, there was Justin Bobby dressed like Rufus Humphrey dressed like Lady Gaga, and he rubbed his wang on a motorcycle and Audrina's works started sparking and there was a smell like burning.

So now it's lunch and Lo gets into Audrina's shit about how she lost her mind at the Ryan Cabrera show, but Audrina still can't even figure out why. She's turning into that homeless thing like where your skin and eyes and hair become all the same color. Kristin chins her way into pretending that she cares about this even a little bit, and tries desperately to remember who Justin Bobby is.

They decide that what really happened is, it's weird when Ryan Cabrera sings that one song he knows at you from the stage, because it's too intense in a karaoke way, and also from that far away you can see how old and puffy he is. The hair doesn't have quite the loft anymore. Lo tells her she's better off, having broken them up in her head the second she sat down because who wants to actually process this shit with Audrina, and Audrina starts talking about how she made a list of pros and cons. But the pros are, "He is not Justin Bobby" and the cons are "He is not Justin Bobby." I am so sure Audrina made a list.

And second of all, what would even be on that list? "Ryan Cabrera is so whupped that he can be totally trusted, and he goes on tour and is sort of awful to be around when he's not on tour, so I would basically just be dating no boys at all." I think Ryan Cabrera is adorable, I like his hair and his pudgy little face, and I hate dating, so honestly this arrangement sounds perfect to me. But Audrina, she needs somebody interesting, somebody flashy, somebody who will notice if she forgets to breathe in and then out and then in and then out again, and knows what to do next.

Somebody who is cool whether you say "Peace" and kick rocks and be acquaintances, or be cool with each other and enjoy the company and have fun when you go out and do things, and not let the bullshit get in the way. Somebody who can look beyond it and just be cool -- who has already, in fact, looked beyond it. Somebody who can take you for who you are and the person you are and the heart that you have, and won't let anybody interfere with that. Somebody who knows that truth, in time, tells all.

Stephanie's bored. Let's talk about Audrina's birthday. Stephanie wants to go to Marina Del Rey and go on "one of those boat rides," and something about the teamsteresque way she makes this suggestion is just incredibly lovable. Kristin likes this idea, Audrina loves it, and they decide to invite all their "regular" friends, including gross Stacey, but not -- not, it is emphasized, including Ryan... And Justin Bobby. Kristin sort of slips that in there, but even Audrina is like, "I see what you did there."

Kristin, Lo and Steph head to a boutique to buy things for Audrina. What to buy for the girl who is too vague for everything? I wouldn't buy that girl shit. No, I would buy her things to fuck her up, like Ayn Rand books or a Jenny Craig gift card. In Switzerland you can rent an evil clown to follow the birthday boy or girl around all week, lurking and menacing them in many ways, until they're convinced they're going to be murdered and then... Surprise! It was all in fun. It occurs to me that bringing Justin Bobby around at this juncture is Kristin's way of getting her all three of these presents at once. Good girl.

Lo and Kristin try to talk themselves out of feeling guilty about throwing Justin Bobby at Audrina like the world's greasiest spider, but honestly, as much as I always knew Heidi would leave Spencer in my heart, I always knew Audrina and Justin Bobby were meant to be together. Kristin agrees: Truth in time tells all, my friends.

But it is pretty hilarious to watch Lo be like, "Well, JB always has an agenda, and Audrina has the EKG of a piping-hot loaf of rye bread fresh from the oven, so probably this will end in murder, or Ryan Cabrera jumping out into traffic... But you know, it could be fun too. You just never know." She also points out that he will probably just show up anyway, somehow, and so they might as well just go for it. Perfect.

Brody, good old Taylor, and awful Frankie are hanging out, talking about birthdays and crazy break-in blonde girl and McK and how she is fakely innocent and somehow creepy. He says she can be in the rotation, but not in a way where he's not going to keep Kristin from poking her eyes out. Then they call each other girls and suck each other's dicks and it's all very normal.

That night, the boys dress up like douches, and Kristin makes glitter appear at the club, which is very magical, and then the boys suck on more dicks, and Kristin is three sheets and climbs up Brody's magnificent body to make fun of his douchey knit hat. Lo dances in this like amazing way, and Brody tries to figure out if Kristin's drunk enough to hook up without being so drunk that she'll do something fucked up. She tries to bite his face, and then McKaela shows up with crazy blonde girl and like... Isn't this last week? Did we time travel? Did we travel through time?

Brody takes off his hat and crazy blonde girl cokeheads her way over to Kristin, who doesn't even stand up, and then climbs into Kristin's crotch and goes, "I'm not thinking things are cool." Even from inside the many soft layers of Kristin's drunkitude, the fires start to build. You can

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The Hills

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