The Hills

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The One Before Vegas

Previously: Heidi began poking holes in her diaphragm. Spencer considered poking holes in his balls -- to drain them of baby-makin' juice. Audrina obviously has holes in her brain, as she tried to give it another go with Justin Bobby. A hole left where his heart was, thanks to Kristin, JB burst Audrina's bubble and treated her like shit. Though that's nothing new. "I was giving things another shot with Brody, and it was just like old times. But his ex-girlfriend Jayde wouldn't give up without a fight..."

What do you know, another sunny day in L.A.! Kristin meets Brody for lunch at one of their favorite old spots. They reminisce about the crazy times they used to have and all the spots they used to go -- spots that 90% of viewers will never have heard of or been able to afford, mind you. Brody makes a toast to hanging out with a girl that he actually likes and doesn't fight with constantly. Speaking of, segues Kristin, Jayde texted her to have a sit-down. Brody warns Kristin that Jayde may be out for blood. Brody admits that he's still talking with Jayde and tells Kristin to put herself in Jayde's situation. Kristin reminds him that they knew each other for a long time before Jayde showed up and advises him to make his decision based on his own happiness. Translation: "Pick me! Pick me! Adam DiVello requires you to pick me!" Credits.

And the Kelly Clarkson domination continues. That's officially half of All I Ever Wanted, if memory serves. Keep 'em comin', music selection folks! It helps me forget a little how crap this season has been. Though I will admit another visit to Dr. Mansbasher cheers me up, too. Yes, the Dr. Mansbasher (or Dr. Mansbacher, as is her actual name, but far less amusing) who basically told Speidi to grow the eff up and sever their union immediately. Well, that didn't work out obviously, so Heidi shows up for another round of sticking her fingers in both ears and singing "La la la la laaaaaaaa!" horribly off-tune. Of course she didn't even bring Spencer, proving she has no desire to actually engage in this frivolous couples' therapy exercise but rather just wants to natter on for an hour to someone who is paid not to tell her to shut up and get out.

So she starts in, updating Dr. Mansbasher on her most recent of three weddings and how Spencer is ruining her dollhouse fantasies by refusing to have babies. She insists that Spencer does really want babies, he just doesn't know it. At this, a look of sheer horror spreads across Dr. Mansbasher's face. But Heidi's on a roll, so it doesn't register. Besides, she probably sees that look all the time and just thinks that a grimace signifies enthusiastic agreement. Dr. Mansbasher does a startling and heretofore unknown thing to Heidi. She says no. She tells Heidi that people should really reconcile things like life goals and children before they get married. Heidi points out that that ship has already set sail, hit the iceberg and started to sink. She's all, "Dr. Mansbasher, why aren't you furiously chewing bubble gum with which to stop up this irreparable hole in my life, marriage and judgment?" She also adds that maybe she should just go off the pill to "surprise" Spencer by getting knocked up and, thus, force him to realize how exciting having a baby you're completely unprepared for really can be! Dr. Mansbasher practically throws up her arm and starts talking about making rational decisions, not emotional and hormonal ones. Heidi looks down, forlorn because her verbal comprehension doesn't extend beyond two-syllable words. Also, that gum isn't going to chew itself.

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The Hills

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