The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B | Grade It Now!
Relationships Take Work

JB's fickle attention turns briefly to Brody and Frankie's weird HoYay! dancing before he leaves, saying no more. Everyone looks at Audrina, who is bowing her head. We're supposed to read defeated. I think she's probably just tired from this afternoon's long not-eating and teeth-whitening sessions. Brody goes over to stick his nose in other people's business. As he consoles Audrina, the Bunny gets jealous. Brody leans close (because it's a loud club, duh) to tell Audrina she's beautiful and to have fun. The Bunny yanks him back to her by his ear and reminds him whose well-worn cooter he'll be taking home tonight.

Audrina's House of Romance. Steph comes over and has a private moment with some pickles. Audrina jokes that craving pickles is a sign of being pregnant. Or desiring phallic things for want of a weenis... Audrina recaps the JB awkwardness with him last night, as well as the fact that Brody did the Brody thing -- stepped in to offer completely unsolicited advice. Audrina says she loves JB but doesn't know if she's in love with him and that she doesn't want him in her life. Well there's your answer. Steph leaps to a whole 'nother conversation, saying that if Audrina has the closure conversation with JB, she'll probably end up being okay with him, which will just confuse her even more. Suddenly, Audrina seems to have some perspective. She says she would like to have one last chat with him but that it won't end well. What is this thing you call bum radar, Audrina? You're a changed woman!

That night, Brody and The Bunny are all porny-dovey. Audrina says hi, to which The Bunny starts talking about Brody grabbing her boob and inspiring her to grab his crotch. Come again? (Absolutely no pun intended.) Audrina looks on. We're supposed to read jealousy in this look, but I think she's just confounded that there exists a person of less substance than her. Also there are Steph and some random dude. For some reason -- drunkenness -- Brody calls Spencer.

Spencer picks up from the Speidi Web. Spencer is already jealous that he is sitting on his office and not on a banquette full of leg-spreaders. Brody invites Spencer to Hawaii. Spencer lies and says that he's in Vegas. Heidi asks why Spencer lied, and he says he didn't want to explain to a drunk person in a loud club over the phone that he was going to go to couples therapy. It's fair, really. You know the first thing Brody would do is give a five-minute oral report to everyone, fabricating details where necessary. He probably wouldn't even successfully hang up his iPhone before screaming out, "Yo! Listen up, homies! Spencer's a puss--" And there would be Spencer, sitting there sadly, journaling about his feelings and his flaccid penis. But I digress... Heidi tells Spencer that, if he wants to go out to da club to catch syphilis from one of Hugh Hefner's Wednesday girls, he should just go right ahead. The subtext being that she will lord it over him until the day that she sends him into an early douche grave. He reads it loud and clear, for once not taking the bait, and says in a defeated tone that he wants to wait to discuss it with the therapist. She replies back curtly, threateningly, that she cannot wait to discuss it with the therapist. Therapy = Chinese water torture, apparently.

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The Hills




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