Back on the Love-Hate Boat, Heidi garners a ridiculous amount of sympathy for this little drama considering a.) She brought this shit show to someone else's birthday party and b.) She's generally on the outs with everyone here. She calls Spencer and occupies lots of people's attention with her dramatics as she asks why Spencer just attacked someone. All the while, Steph holds up her glowing Blackberry, all, "You see? He did this! Not me!" Finger-pointing phony... Heidi storms off, and Lauren follows?! Cut to a shot of Frankie and Brody gossiping like the clucking hens they are.

Lauren comforts a shaking Heidi, assuring that Spencer was just being a stupid, silly boy. But Heidi will not be calmed down. She turns on the same old tired script about what Spencer does for the 35 seconds a day when she's not with him. The irritation spreads across Lauren's face like a case of aggressive hives. It's her birthday, and she'll pry if she wants to! She calls Spencer an asshole and an awful person. Truth. Heidi says the last thing she wanted to do was come and crash the party and cause drama. Lauren shrugs her shoulders like, "Well, too late!" And also a little bit, like, "I'd call bullshit, but I'm too spent from the last two years to bother." Oh, honey, aren't we all?

And now for the money shots. They dive into the inevitable Lauren-hates-Spencer theatrics that have been the show's linchpin since anyone can remember. Heidi gets emotional. Lots of tears ensue. Lauren admits she still loves Heidi, but says she can't stand by and witness Spencer's douchery. Heidi chips in about her memories of being a real person, not a blow-up doll, and it's a full-on sobfest. They hug it out, and we get a brief, sparkling glimpse of the old Heidi as she tells Lauren to chin up and not cry on her birthday. They wonder where to go from here. Lauren recommends the only sensible option: alcohol. Now that's a solution I can get down with.

Britney sings about getting out from under as gang all files out to their respective transportation. Lauren hugs Heidi, and they go their separate ways. Ohhhh, but we're not done! Read on...