The Hills

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HMS Pina-whores

Last season: Spencer made an old(er) lady cry but kind of(?) redeemed himself by not marrying Heidi... legally, at least. Heidi slinked back into Lauren's life. Now it's Lauren's birthday, and Heidi will provide the biggest surprise of all. Please let it be popping out of a cake, please let it be popping out of cake...

Heidi meets Stephanie. Stephanie babbles about school starting again, and Heidi remembers that Lauren's birthday is approaching. They talk about Lauren's upcoming surprise birthday party on a yacht. Stephanie outright asks if Heidi wants to go, almost invitation-like (keep this in mind for later...). Heidi reasons that, since she and Lauren have been in closer contact lately (read: doing Hills-related photo shoots and not flagrantly shit-talking each other), it's weird that no one invited her. Seriously, Heidi? Stephanie convinces her it will be fine -- "100%" -- if she tags along. Oh, treachery, thy name is Pratt! Credits.

Kelly sings about life sucking whilst making mine instantly better. Lo and Audrina chat logistics as they head into a bakery to pick up Lauren's cake. Audrina notes that she didn't invite JB because he's a big old faker, despite weirdly clamping a ring between his teeth as some grand symbol of faux-mittment. She recognizes that inviting him will only cause drama, and she wants to avoid that. Speaking of inviting drama queens, both of them admit that they didn't invite Heidi, even though she's been Lohan-level stalking Lauren of late. Audrina guesses that Heidi will do the Heidi thing: namely, do whatever it takes to get what she wants, regardless of collateral damage. Lo is confounded (like everyone else in the thinking universe) as to why Heidi would even attempt another ride on the scary-go-round. It's called multiple rejections, Montag. Granted, this is the girl who recently released four singles on the same day. And this is, like, a year or two after that calamity that was "Higher." (And I realize I just fueled her machine by posting that link, but I couldn't stop myself. The direction is so cutting-edge. You really do see something newly douche-y every time!)

That night, the gang piles into a limo with Lauren, blissfully unaware of the carnage that is to come. There is champagne, and they have a meta conversation about how when the champagne (a.k.a. sleek reality drama) explodes everywhere, it's fun. Who knew these kids were so self-aware? Oh wait... they're not.

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The Hills

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