The Hills

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HMS Pina-whores

Meanwhile, over at the Speidi Web, Heidi primps with Stephanie. Stephanie jokes that her dress isn't fancy enough, and that it might be one of two surprises for the birthday girl. Yeah. Because anyone gives a rat's ass, you egomaniac. No one would give a flying flip about Stephanie Pratt unless she was wreaking havoc as some sort of cranked-up puppet of the DiVello machine. Truth. But I digress, Heidi whispers that she hasn't told Spencer that she is going to Lauren's birthday party. And lo and behold, who should knock? Heidi pretends she's embarking on a girls' night out orchestrated by Stephanie, who is totally useless in every way, btw. Heidi slips in that Audrina and Lo might be there, so Spencer bites: "So, is the Queen... Biatch rollin', or what?" Ha! Heidi acts all faux-casual that, yeah, she thinks Lauren might be. (Since it's her birthday and all...) Spencer snits off that he has his own guy's night to attend to, which apparently includes rave music? If the "untz-untz-untz-untz" has anything to do with it.

Marina Del Rey. The girls escort a blindfolded Lauren out of the limo and tell her to trust them. Girrrrrrl. After all the shenanigans these two have put her through, I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them, but that's just me. Either way, she follows them onto a narrow plank (great idea!) that leads to a yacht, as Brody stage whispers that she's arrived. She enters. "SURPRISE!!!!" Frankie grabs her straightaway, desperately making sure he's in the spotlight for at least a few seconds more. As she drifts further into the crowd, we see a positively radiant-looking Holly Montag. Living away from the Speidi Web suits her. As it would anyone...

Eminem advises us to "Crack a Bottle" as we pan across town, where Spencer and some extra they paid to be his "friend" ogle the bartender at The Dime. More like the doubloon, yo. This scene is played before it even started... Unrelated: Spencer is insanely shiny tonight. I seriously think he just got a peel, y'all. I can see the reflection of my face through the TV, is how shiny he is. Anyhow... he quite obviously toys with his janky Mexican wedding ring and asks the bartender what kind of shot he should take. She suggests PatrĂ³n, and he notes that the last time he had tequila was the night of his (il)legal Mexican marriage. He is quick to point out that his marriage "doesn't count." I shit you not, the bubble-throated bartender asks, "It's a different country, right?" They take their shot, and she bubble-throats that it will be a long night. Spencer does a dance that, were she not a glorified hooker, would absolutely kill his chances with her.

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The Hills

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