The Hills

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HMS Pina-whores

And it's shots on the sea at Lauren's party. Everyone toasts the birthday girl as Steph and Heidi teeter down the gangplank, hoping they didn't miss the surprise. JC, what idiots. Heidi arrives. A record doesn't exactly scratch, but close enough... Lauren looks absolutely disgusted before giving an oblivious Heidi a courtesy hug. Well, she did bring a gift. The least she can do, right? Steph asks Lo if she thinks it's going to be okay. Lo is pretty resigned to the fact that they can't do a got-damn thing about it now. And the guy outside removes the ropes connecting the boat to the dock...

Inside, Heidi looks awkward. Lauren looks awkward. Holly conspicuously ignores her prodigal sister, all, "I am so not part of this mess no mo'." Steph admits to Lo that, clearly Heidi wasn't invited, but is basically like, "It's my hot Heidi, I do what I want!" Lo looks skeptical-slash-dubious. Lauren comes over, like, "Now what in the who? Why would you wha? Bitch." She asks which of them invited Heidi, and Stephanie point blank turns to Ms. Bosworth, actually saying out loud, "Lo???" It's her bunglingly sneaky way of leading Lauren to place the blame on Lo by saying her name, yet not actually actively blaming Lo herself because she phrased her name as a question, as if she were asking for guidance. Total bullshit. Lauren cuts through it post-haste, saying, "I know Lo didn't. I was just kind of being, like, nice." Ha! Lo stands by awkwardly, silently, while Lauren stares pointedly at Steph and takes a big slurp of her drink. You'll need it, girl! This is a farce. And its name is Pratt. Commercials.

The party is still rockin' the boat. Heidi solicits Audrina's consolation that it's okay that she has brazenly crashed a party... on a boat! Audrina, despite not being the brightest crayon in the slutty crayon box, realizes that there is no use in making her uncomfortable and, as such, assures her that it's fine. Elsewhere, Lauren points out the many elements of shitbrick going on here: Boat, (fren)emy, trapped, Pratt on board. Not a pretty picture. Stephanie persists in her "peacemaker" shtick, or what I fondly refer to as "Nosy bitch who deserves an ass-whoopin' if she keep this up," and tries to convince Lauren that Heidi is still the same friend she once knew in some (very limited) contexts. Lauren makes it clear that she will never be friends with Heidi again, despite Stephanie's machinations. At another craps table, Lo says much of the same to Heidi, literally telling her to move on, while Holly continues conspicuously avoiding her own sister. It's totally not addressed in the narrative of the show, but isn't that clue enough?

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The Hills

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