Previously: ShePratt sucks at life, but, more specifically, at work. And Lauren is going to have to fall on the sword because of it. The producers perpetuated the farce of Audrina-Justin Bobby. Two. Years. Later. Speidi carried on their shenanigans as usual, with visits from various characters in the parade of insanity that is their "life." Oh! And here comes a new one...
Speidi Web. Heidi warns Spencer that her real dad is coming to town. And he's bringing his guns. Hope they're loaded! She further warns him that biodad is less than pleased about that whole Mexican wedding fiasco. As a tried-and-true Colorado cowboy, he insists that all Heidi's suitors mosey around the spittoon with him and demonstrate their bison-killin' skills before he can rightly approve. Spencer asks for some pointers, and Heidi tells him to be nice. Oh dear, if that's the first and only thing you think of, you've already got problems. She adds that Spencer has never met a dad like hers, then quickly flees the scene, saying, "Just... think about that." Spencer snarks that he can't wait to meet Heidi's dad. Credits.
Audrina and Chiara pretend they belong at a video shoot for The White Tie Affair, who you probably don't care enough to remember from last season. Audrina notes that Steph hit it off with one of the band members last time they met, and that she'll be visiting today to see him again. Wow, MTV is really digging into the past to find someone (anyone!) to make the ShePratt seem palatable, eh? Apropos of that, Audrina notes that guys in bands are really promiscuous. Ha! Steph arrives, claiming she couldn't get out of work. This we know is not true. She finally has her tearful reunion with that guy she talked about nipple rings with that one time. And it is just like that scene at the end of Slumdog Millionaire! Except for he's much uglier than I remember, and their desperation clings like just-dried sateen.
Speidi preps for Mr. Montag's arrival. Heidi comfortingly tells Spencer that she is way more scared of her dad than her mom, then offers him a safe word. May I suggest Stetson? Heidi's dad Bill arrives, and Heidi torques up the pressure a little more, announcing that Spencer is the first boyfriend to hold court with Wild Bill and his traveling road show. Awkward silence. Spencer decides When in Oklahoma...! and ends the silence by recounting a delightful tale about how Bill threatened to tear an eight-year-old's esophagus out. Charming!
And then they have a good chuckle about the tequila-fueled Mexican fake wedding. Spencer and Heidi acknowledge that Spencer is actively seeking Wild Bill's approval. Wild Bill cutely calls Heidi his baby, then apprises Spencer that he brought his shotgun. Spencer says he's been on his best behavior since the Mexican wedding caused so much strain with Darlene. Wild Bill asks for details, so Spencer wins points by saying Holly told him that he reminds Darlene of a young Wild Bill. Heidi goes off script with a total non sequitur about Spencer's bar fight. Just one of Darlene's innumerable reasons to hate him. It must be hard to discern which ones are applicable to which situation, I guess. Or at least it all seems nonsensical until you realize that Speidi have calibrated this shit to perfection, knowing that Wild Bill will appreciate a man engaging in fisticuffs to stick up for his woman. Wild Bill looks on sternly, then notes that sometimes you have to defend your family -- it's "the code of the West." One hurdle passed, he invites Spencer to come shoot guns with him, you know, kill some rattlesnakes and coyotes and such. Spencer breathes a sigh of relief and makes sure to say something that shows Wild Bill his loyalty is here and not with Darlene. Heidi smiles on at her scheming snake of a fake Mexican husband.
Lauren meets Brody for dinner. He asks about work with Stephanie, and Lauren embarrassedly admits she's been tasked with firing the ShePratt. Brody wastes no time doling out the requisite "I told you so" and saying that it will ruin their friendship, guaranteed. Lauren refuses to believe him but says she's planning to give ShePratt her pink slip tomorrow. She looks nervous as Brody tells her to suck it up, metaphorically giving her a slap on the ass before he sends her out on the field.
Elsewhere, Audrina and Steph enter the den of my nightmares, what with its stuffed pig heads and over-styled casual vibe. Ugh. They're there to meet up with the band whores, who promptly invite themselves to stay at the girls' places. So subtle, so sophisticated! Audrina and the singer head off to intoxicate themselves some more, leaving Steph behind to tweak the guitarist's nipple rings. Because neither of them understands basic character arcs, it quickly comes out that they're both in quasi-relationships, though his is obviously more serious than hers. Like T.I., he has a "situation" at home. Steph practices what may be her first piece of good judgment ever and tells him to stop flirting with her. Audrina returns, and dubbed-over Steph tells her they need to get the hell outta dodge. With a touch more dubbing, the girls make an abrupt exit. It's back to the park for you tonight, boys. Outside, the girls snicker about what a-holes they just put on makeup for. This is the fabric of female bonding, y'all.
The next day, Spencer and Wild Bill head out for some bonding-slash-intimidating QT. We'll call it Brokeback Beach. Wild Bill gives Spencer a brief lesson on the history of cowboy-ing, then asks what Spencer's intentions with Heidi are. Wild Bill reminds Spencer that he's very protective of Heidi, giving him a pat on the back and saying "That's why God invented Colt .45s." Spencer's response? "That's why he did that. That's why! I knew there was a reason for those beautiful pistols." Priceless. Wild Bill says Heidi needs a strong family support around her but that Darlene will come around. Spencer lays it out there, acknowledging that he has been through thick and thin with Heidi (mostly of his own making) and promising that Wild Bill should have no worries about Spencer's intentions. He would like to keep his body free of shotgun holes, thank you very much. Wild Bill gives it a nice pause, then gives Spencer some constructive advice on how to keep Heidi. Some iteration of the phrase "Be nice" seems to pop up at every turn with this one, doesn't it? Just as frequent references to guns seems like breathing to Wild Bill. Speaking of, the Cowboy adds a coda: "Remember that your father-in-law carries a big gun."