MONDO EXTRAS

Look, here at TWoP HQ, it's not our first time at the rodeo. We understand that celebrities and the tabloids have a weird symbiotic love/hate relationship where they need one another to exist, and yet loathe each other intensely. Sure, there are celebrity exceptions who are generally above the tabloids' notice: your Robert DeNiros, your Meryl Streeps. But for the sub-D-list celebrity, a category the reality genre has pumped out by the quintillion of late, courting the tabloids is as much a rite of passage as dining at one of those restaurants run by Mike Boogie or shopping at Kitson.

We get that. And yet, there is something unseemly about the way that the "stars" of The Hills, especially dummy Heidi Montag and her loathsome fiancé, Spencer Pratt, have exploited what is an already exploitative relationship. It's no coincidence that Heidi's "candid" photos are always flattering and she's always wearing full makeup. Or that certain tabloids always seem to feature flattering articles about the duo, even though the average Joe or Jane can't stand the couple. Well, scratch that: the average Joe or Jane has never heard of them. But the television-obsessed few can't stand the couple.

After noticing that Heidi and Spencer seem to be in the tabloids every week, and that the articles are frequently either flattering to them or harmful to their enemies, we put our heads together and imagined up some headlines you might shortly see in a grocery checkout line near you.