Barnes & Noble L.A. Speidi reads? They snark at each other over relationship and self-help books. Spencer compliments himself for resisting the onanistic urge to finger through a Playboy. Heidi takes that jab and offers him one back as she casually notes that Mr. Jackcheese is coming to town, and she wants to have dinner with him. Spencer snits that they should bring it up in therapy. Heidi retorts, "Don't be jealous! It's not like we're going to dinner with Stacie or anything." Spencer tries to hit back, asking if he should bring "like a prayer or something" to the dinner. Okay, this round definitely goes to Heidi. She then gets extra credit for pointing out to Spencer that "it might be good for [him] to see a nice, normal guy." That actually works on lots of levels, though I doubt any of them register in Spencer's janky mind. In Spencerland (a.k.a. a couch in the Speidi Web), the way he acts, with all of his muckraking and passive-aggressive, semi-illiterate bullshit fronting, that actually is normal. But kudos to Heidi for getting in a couple of zings anyway.

Back in H-town, everyone has convened in the world's biggest hot tub as Audrina and Brody "flirt" over Audrina's sexy one-piece. Everyone averts his or her attention to admire the sunset. Later, Steph asks Audrina's heaving cleavage about her relationship status. She actually refers to Justin as "JB." Does that mean I have to stop using that name now? I don't know if I can, in good conscience, rock the same slang as the ShePratt. Conundrum! Anyhow, Steph asks if Audrina is saving herself for that kid who now looks like Joaquin Phoenix. She decisively says no, but Brody, of course, feels the need to chip in. He knows that her time to spread again will come when she meets the right guy. "Such as you, my convenient man," orders Adam DiVello, God-like, from above.

Back in L.A., they are actually playing a song by a band called The Virgins as Mr. Jackcheese and his girlfriend (wasn't he single back in Crested Butte?) walk nervously up to the restaurant. (XIV, where Heidi got fake-fired, mind you.) Yes, they went there. Inside, Spencer pricks to Heidi that the only reason he's coming to this sham of a dinner is because Mr. Jackcheese is a super-Christian and therefore a virgin and therefore never fondled Heidi's pre-surgery pancake chest. Heidi aggressively agrees with him and says that she's sure Mr. Jackcheese is still a virgin. Of course, she is saying this just as Mr. and Mrs. Jackcheese themselves are walking up to the table, so she has to turn around to them and be all, "Hiiiiiii! I totally wasn't just talking about your untouched genitals!"