They sit down and dispense of introductions. Spencer greets them with the same bitingly sarcastic enthusiasm that he showed Dr. Mansbasher last week, except Mrs. Jackcheese totally buys into it and is all, "I'm excited to meet you, too!" Where did they get this hayseed from? I refuse to believe Crested Butte and/or anywhere in Colorado can produce such a naif. Oh, but she just keeps on giving. When Mr. Jackcheese starts in on the usual out-of-towners spiel about how L.A. is a different world, Mrs. Jackcheese obliviously notes how Heidi is just one of the many things that are different in L.A. Specifically, she notes, Heidi didn't always look like a Porn Star Barbie. Heidi stares at her awkwardly, incredulously, like "What the fuck, bitch? Read US Weekly much?" OMG, I am loving this girl. Sign her up for Seasons 6 and 7 already! Heidi asks if the Bible-bangers (but not each other-bangers) want a cocktail, and Spencer suggests tequila. What, so they can get fake married, too? Naturally, the Jackcheeses practice the temperance and do not accept the Pratts' desperate offer for social lubrication. Spencer joins Heidi in the incredulous staring, and the hayseed scores another point with me by saying, "nothing good comes from it." See above.
Spencer asks where they're staying, which segues seamlessly into the no-sex-before-marriage conversation when they mention that they've booked separate rooms. Spencer can't contain his dismissive sighing when they mention how saving themselves is important to them. Which is wildly rude if you think about it. It's not like they're trying to convert him or espousing the merits of child abuse or something. They're simply explaining their personal stance on a question that he asked. Ugh. Luckily, they're too oblivious to notice. Heidi jokes that Spencer "is, like, Hugh Hefner, Jr." Which, if I recall correctly, wasn't so funny a few seasons ago when he was partying with Playmates. But now if it's in service of making other people feel ignorant and/or inferior and justify your own relationship, well then by all means! Mr. Jackcheese explains that he was raised Southern Baptist and that sex is just one of many things that are verboten, including dancing. Something tells me Spencer is going to storm this barn like Ren McCormack on prom night. Apropos of that, he invites Mr. Jackcheese to come boxing with him tomorrow, adding in one last jibe -- "I know you got some aggression to get out" -- as he takes a sip of the Devil's nectar.