The Hills

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Virgin Territory

Previously: The Jackcheese stood alone. Spencer continued being assy enough to ensure that some time in the future, he, too, will stand alone. Audrina continued to drag out her shiteous relationship with Justin Bobby, then randomly took a detour on "Brody's Dreeeeeamy" Lane. I think she got lost somewhere past "My Boyfriend Wears Overalls" Avenue. Audrina admitted that she kind of has a (fake) thing for Brody, and then conveniently suggested that the girls should crash a boys' vacation planned by Brody and his bromancers. Cue dubbed-over foreshadowing -- "You're so gonna hook up with Brody" -- and pre-taped dubious facial expression from Lauren. And so the contrivances begin

We join the girls as they step bravely onto Hawaiian soil, giggling about their decision to surprise the boys. Steph sows seeds of conflict, saying how the boys are going to be mad at them for showing up uninvited. Meanwhile, the guys comment on how happy and relaxed they are. Gee, I wonder what's missing. Oh, there it is! The girls. They sneak up on the guys. (How did they even know where they were?) Brody eyes them suspiciously as he drinks a Coronita. Manly! They quibble over whether the guys (mainly Brody) are upset or merely surprised. Frankie cuts through the pre-dramz and gets down to business -- SHOTS! Brody decides this is an acceptable course of action. Thus begins the vacation. Credits.

Gorgeous Hawaii, replete with head-standing surfers. Lo suggests a party in the boys' room. Audrina notes that, if JB were on the vacation, he'd be out in the surf. JB surfs? Add that to elliptical speech patterns and general half-hearted mind games and, I mean, really. What can't that man do?! Steph asks if Audrina is checking out Brody, and Audrina smiles back mischievously. Steph speculates what things would have been like if they had showed up and found JB had accepted Brody's drunken invite. Audrina mentions that she and JB were texting that morning. Steph tells her to let go of it already. Meanwhile, if the scheming-est schemester on the entire show is telling you to stop fixating on something, perhaps you should listen. Mmmmmkay? Audrina stares off blankly into the distance. Cut to a shot of Brody paddling around on his surfboard. This could be the least effective doctored-up romance yet!

Barnes & Noble L.A. Speidi reads? They snark at each other over relationship and self-help books. Spencer compliments himself for resisting the onanistic urge to finger through a Playboy. Heidi takes that jab and offers him one back as she casually notes that Mr. Jackcheese is coming to town, and she wants to have dinner with him. Spencer snits that they should bring it up in therapy. Heidi retorts, "Don't be jealous! It's not like we're going to dinner with Stacie or anything." Spencer tries to hit back, asking if he should bring "like a prayer or something" to the dinner. Okay, this round definitely goes to Heidi. She then gets extra credit for pointing out to Spencer that "it might be good for [him] to see a nice, normal guy." That actually works on lots of levels, though I doubt any of them register in Spencer's janky mind. In Spencerland (a.k.a. a couch in the Speidi Web), the way he acts, with all of his muckraking and passive-aggressive, semi-illiterate bullshit fronting, that actually is normal. But kudos to Heidi for getting in a couple of zings anyway.

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The Hills

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