Back in H-town, everyone has convened in the world's biggest hot tub as Audrina and Brody "flirt" over Audrina's sexy one-piece. Everyone averts his or her attention to admire the sunset. Later, Steph asks Audrina's heaving cleavage about her relationship status. She actually refers to Justin as "JB." Does that mean I have to stop using that name now? I don't know if I can, in good conscience, rock the same slang as the ShePratt. Conundrum! Anyhow, Steph asks if Audrina is saving herself for that kid who now looks like Joaquin Phoenix. She decisively says no, but Brody, of course, feels the need to chip in. He knows that her time to spread again will come when she meets the right guy. "Such as you, my convenient man," orders Adam DiVello, God-like, from above.
Back in L.A., they are actually playing a song by a band called The Virgins as Mr. Jackcheese and his girlfriend (wasn't he single back in Crested Butte?) walk nervously up to the restaurant. (XIV, where Heidi got fake-fired, mind you.) Yes, they went there. Inside, Spencer pricks to Heidi that the only reason he's coming to this sham of a dinner is because Mr. Jackcheese is a super-Christian and therefore a virgin and therefore never fondled Heidi's pre-surgery pancake chest. Heidi aggressively agrees with him and says that she's sure Mr. Jackcheese is still a virgin. Of course, she is saying this just as Mr. and Mrs. Jackcheese themselves are walking up to the table, so she has to turn around to them and be all, "Hiiiiiii! I totally wasn't just talking about your untouched genitals!"
They sit down and dispense of introductions. Spencer greets them with the same bitingly sarcastic enthusiasm that he showed Dr. Mansbasher last week, except Mrs. Jackcheese totally buys into it and is all, "I'm excited to meet you, too!" Where did they get this hayseed from? I refuse to believe Crested Butte and/or anywhere in Colorado can produce such a naif. Oh, but she just keeps on giving. When Mr. Jackcheese starts in on the usual out-of-towners spiel about how L.A. is a different world, Mrs. Jackcheese obliviously notes how Heidi is just one of the many things that are different in L.A. Specifically, she notes, Heidi didn't always look like a Porn Star Barbie. Heidi stares at her awkwardly, incredulously, like "What the fuck, bitch? Read US Weekly much?" OMG, I am loving this girl. Sign her up for Seasons 6 and 7 already! Heidi asks if the Bible-bangers (but not each other-bangers) want a cocktail, and Spencer suggests tequila. What, so they can get fake married, too? Naturally, the Jackcheeses practice the temperance and do not accept the Pratts' desperate offer for social lubrication. Spencer joins Heidi in the incredulous staring, and the hayseed scores another point with me by saying, "nothing good comes from it." See above.