The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: C | Grade It Now!
Virgin Territory

Hawaii. Lauren jokingly cheers to an awesome boys' trip which is now dominated by bitches. Brody and Audrina "flirt some more," while Frankie and Steph talk shit about them within earshot. This is why they're fringe characters. Lauren looks on awkwardly, as you would if you've boned everyone in the room. Yet, it doesn't seem to matter to Brody. He seems further unfazed by Audrina's admission -- in front of everyone -- that she's always had a crush on him. What? Brody eyes her up and down, knowing she's easy and weighing whether his actual girlfriend, who is also easy, will dump him over what will never be more than a one-night stand. Also, he's probably considering the ramifications of retroactively sharing Audrina's honey pot with JB.

Speidi Web Bible Study time! The Jackcheeses point out where in the Bible exactly it says that having sex before marriage is wrong. They refer to it as "fornification," already losing any credibility with Spencer. Not that they had any to begin with. He is looking at them like they're trying to dish him out a big plate of dog crap from minute one. Then we get a little vignette in which they read him the verse, and Spencer embraces the literal interpretation of the Bible. ("Keeping the marriage bed pure just means washing your linens!") Mainly, though, he just maintains a world-record pace at being an asshole. At one point, he puts down the Good Book to start Twittering. And he nearly misses Mrs. Jackcheese's profound musings on what a lovely place the world would be if we could all just get along! Ugh. No one wins this round.

Hawaii. Drinking and general golf cart rowdiness continues, with lots of carefully juxtaposed shots to make it seem like Audrina and Brody are checking each other out across the room. Cue requisite "Getting lei'd" jokes. The Bromance Collective gives Brody shit for not bedding the sure bet. Brody brings up his Bunny girlfriend as proof that he will not partake of Audrina's forbidden fruit. And yet he cups his chin thoughtfully and maintains an eye line that is useful enough for the editors to push this crackpot (B)romance.

As the party dies down, Audrina heads to her room to call JB. Why??? She cuts it short when Brody enters her room. Double why??? He rambles for a while about how they're friends, and he doesn't want it to be awkward between them if they ever do hook up. Basically, "I totally have a girlfriend, so when I stick my wiener in your woo-woo, you can't be gettin' all attached. But I'm still totally gonna do it. And please don't tell my girlfriend about this, girl." Very boy-band of him. Of course, this is exactly the kind of smooth talk that gets Audrina's panties moist. So it's on.

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The Hills




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