The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: C | Grade It Now!
Virgin Territory

The next morning, Lo reports to Lauren that Audrina stayed over at Brody's. They call in Steph for confirmation. For, like, the first time ever, Steph doesn't go balls-out on the gossip. What's that about? This could be her moment to shine! Lauren shakes her head skeptically while Lo and Steph circle the scandal like vultures waiting for an animal to take its last breath so they can feast.

Back in L.A., Speidi goes to lunch. Heidi notes what a fun weekend they had with the Cheese. If by fun you mean plucking-your-leg-hairs-out-one-at-a-time excruciating, then yes. It was a rollicking good time! Spencer reaches to new heights of convolution by implying that Heidi is not the good-hearted, down-to-earth, "Aw shucks" kind of girl she occasionally claims to be with people like her mother and the Cheese. He throws in, "I think if I acted like Colby for a week, you'd be so damn bored, you'd probably be cheating on me by Friday." In essence, she has changed, in some ways irrespective of his Svengali-like influence, and can never change back. Literally. That nose is stuck on her fake face. Heidi tries to point out that he could learn a thing or two from Mr. Jackcheese, such as not being a total dickwad to her whole family. Spencer dismissively agrees that he is really going to embrace "that whole Leave It to Beaver vibe." Heidi throws in the towel, and Spencer smiles smugly, knowing he's won this bout. But only by a hair from his flesh beard.

Hawaii. The boys haze Brody for his sleepover party with Audrina. Brody straightaway admits that he cheated on The Bunny. Doug's response? "I woulda put that down like a sick dog." Ladies and gentleman, Doug Reinhardt! What in God's name does that even mean? So Doug asks how The Bunny will feel. Brody basically just says he hopes she doesn't find out. Yeah, good plan. Frankie thinks Audrina will tell the other girls what went down (like her face!). His rationale? "Girls are evil."

Meanwhile, in the girls' room, they continue speculating on what happened. Steph digs for gold, asking if Lauren or Lo will tell The Bunny. Lauren drops that idea like a hot potato -- she is not taking heat for other people's shitty mistakes any more. Good on her for learning a little bit in the past five years, I say. As they chat, Audrina peeks her slutty little head out, and they all greet her. She sits down and tries to nonchalantly sip a glass of water, but they're all looking at her, like, "Soooooo?" They ask where Audrina slept, and she matter-of-factly states that she was in Brody's room before giving a guilty little half-grin. Lo stupidly asks what JB will think, and Audrina admits that he wouldn't be happy. And yet, who cares?! More to the point, The Bunny is going to be pissed. World War III, deems Lo -- who is not at all deluded as to her and her friends' importance. Steph eggs on that theory, and Audrina gets her back up, essentially challenging The Bunny to come after her. Steph and Lo tinkle their fingers deviously while Lauren continues to count down the minutes until she is done with this shiz.

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The Hills




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