The Hills

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The wide-open road. JB and Audrina ride his Harley with super-high butterfly handle bars. Like, he can barely reach the handles. That's how high they are. They arrive at the Palm Springs Viceroy. Oh, did I mention that JB is wearing a sparkling silver helmet, farmer's overalls, and a sleeveless shirt with the sides cut down to his hips? Because he is. They head to their bungalow, wherein JB makes a beeline for the bar and pops open a bottle of champagne. Didn't he used to be a raging addict of every sort? So much for the whole recovery thing... They decide the champagne will be useful in celebrating their retreat from the Hills gossip circuit. As such, they go all rustic and swig straight from the bottle. They're straight-up street, y'all.

JB notes that they usually go away with others, which begets all sorts of drama. They resolve to have a drama-free weekend. He says he's glad not to have her friends "in [her] ear... nibbling." And (spoiler alert!) even JB admits in the After Show that he doesn't know what the hell that means. Seriously, I think he and, like, the collected prose of James Joyce and William Faulkner, plus, say, Nell Kellty and Rain Man could have a rip-roaring conversation. JB and Audrina vow to get closer as they have more weekends away. Then they make weirdo sex eyes at each other, and Audrina goes to shut the door -- on the camera crew, specifically.

Speidi Web. Darlene, Stepford Heidi's (very unhappy) mother is embroiled in one of those five-hour staring matches that Heidi's family members have to have with Spencer in order to decide who can sit on his "office." Stepford Heidi comes home and says how surprised she is to see Darlene. Darlene responds that she wanted to surprise them. Well, might I suggest punching her in one of her big, fake tits? Then again, she might not even register that... Commercials.

Back at the Speidi Web, the storm is a-brewin'. Stepford Heidi walks right into it by asking Darlene what's new. Darlene turns the tables and asks her what's new. Translation: "Why in our sweet lord Jesus' name would you marry that Pratt?" Stepford Heidi eases into it, mentioning the margaritas (you'll notice they always come first in this story, as if Heidi consciously must brand herself as mentally incompetent when she made this life-changing decision), as well as the beautiful sunset. She limps into the grand finale, saying they "just decided to..." Darlene cuts her off that drinks and the sky were stupid reasons to get married. Stepford Heidi says she's wanted to marry Spencer for two years, but Darlene responds that Heidi wanted to have a big fairytale wedding. Stepford Heidi retorts that she used to want to be a princess, too. All the while Spencer just sits there, looking off into space because, basically, his work here is done. He's so disgusted by anyone that dare question his Svengali powers (Darlene) and yet so fully entrenched in the very synapses of Stepford Heidi's brain that he needn't even speak. It's priceless.

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The Hills

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