The Hills

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Lady Lola: C | Grade It Now!
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You Been Working Out a Lot?

Darlene asks if Heidi's happy with her decision. When Stepford Heidi says she is, Darlene wanly claims she's happy for her, but the agony on her face is telling. Stepford Heidi says she doesn't want Darlene to be upset, and Darlene tears up. She feels betrayed and sticks it to Heidi that the people who helped her grow up have been hurt by her manipulative, margarita-fueled elopement. She thinks is one more way that Stepford Heidi has excluded her from her life. Sticking to the script, Stepford Heidi claims she can't live her life worrying what others think (except Perez Hilton and US Weekly, natch). Darlene asks if the marriage is even legal, and Stepford Heidi insists it will be. They're going to go to ├╝ber-romantic City Hall and make it official the next day. (Reception at Don Antonio's to follow! Be there or be... well... a person that others might actually hang out with.) Stepford Heidi asks Darlene to support her in her decision. Pained reaction shots all around.

Palm Springs. JB and Audrina sit in a gorgeous garden and discuss how they make each other nervous and excited, all the while saying "rare" about 37 times. Sometimes I think they are playing with each other and the show, and then I realize that Audrina's not really that smart. And JB's constantly stoned. So I guess they're actually just too slow to come up with synonyms. One thing JB is never too stoned to do, though, is wax philosophical. He wonders if the universe is in their favor and asks Audrina if she is happy with things as they are. She asks him what he thinks, which is her codependent way of saying no. JB thinks they are "at this standstill that's kind of stuck." Redundant and alliterative! Cheers, JB!

He spouts more vagaries about change and fairness in their relationship, then thanks the universe for Audrina. He says he hopes they can maintain their connection and closeness for as long as possible, then holds up his pinky finger to reveal a ring... which he takes off with his teeth and slurps around in his mouth a little before dangling the saliva-covered bauble in front of her like a banana in front of a starved monkey. She actually has to ask him to give it to her! Then, she takes the liberty of sticking it, spit and all, on her ring finger. Okay, that was the weirdest thing that I've ever seen on this show. And there are lots of options. It made Spencer's proposal seem absolutely genuine and eloquent.

SLS Hotel opening. Stepford Heidi and Kim walk around pretending they had anything at all to do with this event. Heidi looks like a '40s torch singer, but not in a good way. It's over-glammed even by her standards, particularly if she supposedly spent the whole day working -- not getting her hair coiffed and her face shellacked. Heidi wishes Spencer could be there but notes that he can't, for obvious reasons. She does note that Stephanie and Holly are coming. Glad to see she hasn't learned her lesson that work isn't a time to socialize with your friends...

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The Hills

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