The Hills

Episode Report Card
Kim: A | Grade It Now!
Cold War

Previously: JB blew off Audrina. Heidi was caught in between Spencer and her family, and for some reason continued to choose Spencer. Holly and Lauren rekindled their friendship.

Lauren is working on homework, which seems to consist of cutting out pictures from magazines. Lo helps. I think that was my homework in, like, second grade. Lauren invites Lo to have drinks with Holly that night. Lo wants to know the scoop on Holly being back in town. Lauren admits that she worries a bit that Holly is trying to broker a peace between Lauren and Heidi. So what if she is? Just tell her no. Why so much drama, LC? Lo points out that "drinks are harmless." Usually, Lo. But not always.

It annoys me that every episode title ends in points of ellipses, because I think it encourages people who think it's okay to end a sentence that way, instead of using them as God intended. Like, the episode titles for this show are not complete sentences, and please don't take them as such. Thank you. Also, I know that the episode titles are typically lines spoken by people on the show and thus not grammatically correct, but it still bugs me. Anyway, Audrina and her co-worker Chiara are having a snack. Audrina is psyched about her date with some dude, and admits that she kind of wants JB to be jealous. Oh, Audrina. I hate to say this, because it's such a cliché, but he's just not that into you.

Heidi and Holly have lunch. Holly talks about how happy Lauren is, and that she misses Heidi. Oh, Holly, Nice to know you lie as easily as your sister. Heidi babbles on about how much it's sucked not having Lauren in her life, and how blameless Heidi is in this whole thing and she actually sort of starts crying about how difficult this has been. Holly sees her opportunity to be on the show some more, so she advises Heidi to write Lauren a letter. Saying what? I'm sorry that my shitty boyfriend called Perez Hilton and told him that you have beef curtains? Actually, let's imagine this letter, shall we? (Note that I wrote this before I watched the part where Heidi actually does send a letter, though.)

Dear Lauren: What's up? Hey, it's me, Heidi. So what are you up to lately? Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that I had nothing to do with Spencer claiming that you had a sex tape, but that I totally went along with it because I wanted to renegotiate my contract with the show and make more money. Is that so wrong? And then it didn't work, and Spencer tells me that it's okay because people understand that we're playing characters, but why do people spit on me when I walk down the street? And Lauren? Spencer's beard scares me. But don't tell him I said that, or he'll make me get another nose job. And Lauren? Remember when I said that my clothing line was outselling yours? That's not true. Well, I think zero is, like, a tie, and the salesgirl at Kitson told us that's how many we have both sold. And don't tell Spencer I said this, but I really hate the stupid photo shoot ideas he comes up with. Like did you see the one where we were in DC and waving flags? How corny was that? I used to think Spencer knew what he was talking about because he knows so many people in "the industry," but then I learned that he really just knows tabloid reporters, paparazzi photographers and Perez Hilton, and I don't think any of them can really help out my music or acting careers, you know? So anyway, I was just writing to remind you of all the shitty things I did, and please burn this when you are finished reading it because if Spencer finds out, he'll call Perez Hilton and tell them I slept with Justin Bobby. Um, not that he's the one who did that to you this week. Oh, shit. Love, Heidi

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The Hills




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