The Hills

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New Dogs, Same Old Dicks

Previously: Spencer pulled out early when it came to baby-makin'. Brody and Jayde acted like babies. "And it was time for [Kristin] to finally make a decision about Justin. But something was about to happen to make that decision a lot easier..."

Kristin and Brody take a long walk on the beach, parsing his relationship status with Jayde. They settle on "It's Complicated." He asks what Kristin thinks, and she shows absolutely no female solidarity by saying he's a lot more fun when Jayde's not around. Then she casually drops in what good times they used to have together. Funny that, I seem to remember that term "vanilla" being bandied about. He plays along, asking what would happen if they started dating now. They agree that things could be different now that they're older. And wiser? Then he teases her how long it'll take for her divorce from Justin Bobby to go through. Yeah, not so much wiser. Credits.

Speidi Web 2.0. The happy couple discusses what to do for Heidi's upcoming birthday. She wants a party, so of course Spencer throws it in her face that she wants to invite people over to the "porno palace." He claims it's not a party house. She points out, awesomely, "This is a party house. That's the party railing so the drunk people don't fall over." He says planning a party will be a lot of work. She says she doesn't care, get it done. Don't they have people for that? I mean they have now designated themselves "SUPERfamous" in print. And famous people have minions, right?

Audrina's house. Lo helps her fold laundry. Again, doesn't she have people for this? They quickly dispense the bitchy quips about Brody stepping off the Playmate train before moving on to the Speidi shindig. Lo claims she can't make it, but Audrina is going. More to the point, she's contractually required since Kristin will be there, and they need to have it out over that piece o' man meat JB. Audrina ambiguously says, "Whatever happens, happens." I suspect that should have been ominous, but Audrina's so damn boring, talentless, and glassy-eyed that it was delivered in the key of meh.

That night, Kristin meets JB at a wine bar. They discuss Heidi's party. Big surprise, JB is making no commitments. He ignores the fact that he's a huge flake (or maybe has learned not to make any promises to Kristin, lest she cut him off from sex again) and instead says he doesn't want to run into Audrina. He pawns it off like he's so over the roller coaster with her, even though he's fricking running the ride. He says now that they're not talking or seeing each other (lie), Audrina might befriend Kristin. Of course it's all a ruse to run some reverse psychology gambits with Kristin. He claims he wants Kristin to know everything but it's really some screwed-up, twisting-into-itself insinuation that Audrina is not to be trusted. Kristin stares him down a bit, then tells him that all she wants is honesty. He agrees. Strike 436?

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The Hills




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