Elsewhere, Heidi meets Spencer on neutral ground. As usual, he is pissy from the get-go. They spar about who of them came home the night before -- neither. Heidi mentions Steph's therapy suggestion. I was right! Steph is, at least according to Spencer, seeing multiple therapists. Recapping this show is like shooting fish in a barrel, y'all. Heidi snaps back that she's in better shape than he is. Low! Heidi says she was mortified the night before that Spencer wouldn't even get up and talk to her. He says he didn't want to deal with the drama. Heidi goes for the cheap and easy argument, saying that BS was dressed for a night out on the streets, if you know what I mean.
Somehow she meanders into asking Spencer again how many times he's seen BS. Spencer tries to deflect, saying that his friends see her every night while they binge-drink their troubles (a.k.a. being friends with Spencer Pratt) away. He biffs it when he forgets his earlier lie, and admits to seeing her three times. Heidi is disgusted. She finally pulls the trigger, unleashing a stream of hateful things about how she doesn't want to be around him, look at him, talk to him, etc. before lobbing over her Steph-sanctioned ultimatum that he should get into therapy or get out of his life. Cue staring contest.
And the waiter with the world's worst timing comes to ask them if they would like to hear the day's specials. Ha! Heidi: "No, we're done." Oh, what a merchant of metaphors that Heidi is! Spencer stews in his own juices back at the restaurant while Heidi teeters off, aiming for independent, empowered woman but coming off more toddler in her mom's four-inch high heels.
Next time: Heidi and Spencer name their Schooner and Rebecca. Steph christens her People's Rev internship by fucking up. JB triumphant returns, looking one step closer to Joaquin Phoenix. Surprisingly, Audrina rejects this guaranteed dirtiness and pretends to have crush on Brody. Cue dubious looks from Lauren and Lo.
P.S. Total awesomeness on the After Show-- phone interview with ShePratt, in which she reveals that Spencer's "friend" gave her TJ Maxx and Red Lobster gift certificates for her birthday this past weekend. Also, she's done defending Spencer. Scandal! Check it.