Previously: Unholy matrimony. An airhead and a Joaquin Phoenix impostor went their separate ways. And our feckless heroine did exactly as she was told for three years and five seasons so they would unleash her from their well-lit palace so she could live beyond the reach of crafty editors. And thus rose from the ashes like a Phoenix our second-time-around huh-roine: Kristin Cavallari (our new narrator, I might add), who, tritely and with an unenthusiastic Valley girl cadence, is "about to be reminded that too much fun can get you in trouble."
Tart café. Lo, Audrina and ShePratt discuss a forthcoming "Welcome Back, Speidi!" party... that they're throwing for themselves. Conveniently, the ladies don't say where they're returning from, but I suspect it involved twee little men, torture and washed-up supermodels. Lo mentions that Speidi invited Kristin, who happens to be bunking down in Malibu this summer. Audrina mentions Kristin's "man-eater" reputation -- just ask John Mayer! -- so the girls run down Kristin's many conquests, including Brody.
Audrina asks if Kristin stirs up drama, as if she'd be allowed to associate with anyone who didn't. Lo tells her that some people in high school (ah-hem, LC) did have issues with her. She warns that Kristin tells it like it is and isn't afraid to get nasty, especially if you're on her bad side. She says Kristin's easy to get in a fight with. ShePratt asks if Lo means actual physical fighting (gotta watch out for the new nose and all), and Audrina recalls that Kristin actually once slapped Lauren in front of a club. That shit was probably made up in some dark story-editing room, but God, I would have paid to see it. Bitches got class. "Is she going to be our friend now?" asks Lo, calculating how many slaps she's willing to take for $100,000 an episode. Audrina already did that math, so she says she's going to give her the benefit of the doubt. ShePratt is incapable of math, so they don't show her response. New credits! Oh, they're just not the same without LC. Le sigh.
OMG, y'all. The episode is called "It's On, Bitch." Yes! I'm not sure anything to come in the next 20-odd minutes can equal that awesomeness. But I, despite being paid far less per episode than Audrina, am willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. Gotta earn my Ulysses! Speidi returns from a liquor run. Spencer brags that he's purchased much tequila for the party. Illegal marriages for everyone! Heidi says she's so glad she can finally have a party where everyone can come. That way they can finally execute the final brush stroke on their end game of literally imploding the world with vapidity. Lord knows that many dimwits in one room isn't going to produce the next Great American Novel or a cure for cancer.