Spencer asks if Kristin's single. Heidi says yes, and Spencer's all. "Uh-oh! Audrina better watch out. Justin Bobby's gonna get swooped!" Why are we still pretending there's something there? They broke up, like, 40 times, with increasingly less passion each time. Spencer introduces the idea that maybe Kristin could even try to hook it up with Brody again, because she's "the real deal female player." Heidi rotes that no one is ready for Kristin, and the fleshbeard awakens to emit a cackle. Is this what Speidi sense sounds like? I shudder to think.
Brody's condo. Brody has been re-dubbed "Kristin's Ex-Boyfriend." Wow -- that, coupled with the fact that he's the lowest-paid person on the show, has got to hurt. Probably not as much as the mind-numbing exercise of watching Jayde riffle through her bikinis and sundresses for the party. He's all, "Really, honey, we've all seen it. Just go naked and save us all some breath." She admits that she's delaying going to the party because she doesn't want to meet Brody's ex. She asks about the circumstances of their relationship. He can't give her a concrete answer why they broke up, so she thinks he's being shady. She asks if Kristin's nice, and he says she is, if you don't piss her off. A ringing endorsement.
Kristin's Malibu pad. She struts into her car in cut-off shorts and high heels. No comment. As she's driving to the pool party, Speidi arrives with two bottles of tequila in hand, thumbing their nose at learning from personal experience. Audrina and Lo (re-dubbed "Audrina's Friend" -- what?) also arrive, with ShePratt in tow. And finally Justin Bobby, verging on a Benicio del Toro aesthetic. Shots are taken, hugs are shared, and sideways glances are shot, respectively. Speidi wax poetic about their honeymoon stage. Worth noting: Spencer has a crystal-clear martini in his hand. This is going nowhere fast.
Finally Kristin arrives with her pussy posse, saying how random it is to see all these people she hasn't seen in forever -- except for, like, on her TV every Monday night. She gives JB a big, enthusiastic hug as Audrina watches from across the pool. ShePratt gets out her shit-stirring paddle and comments how Kristin made a beeline for JB. Audrina thinks friends have a moral obligation not to mack on their friends' exes. Fair enough, Audrina. Doesn't apply in this situation, though. ShePratt asks if JB even said hi to Audrina. She pouts that he didn't.
Dum duh-duh dum! ShePratt flies into action, stomping over to ask JB if he said hi to Audrina. He claims they did and that they're cool. She snits around a bit, trying to find another angle, both mentally and camera-wise. Kristin tells Stephanie to leave JB alone, all the while Heidi is already practically holding her back. ShePratt insists JB needs to respect Audrina. Kristin takes her cue and asks what ShePratt's implying. At which point Audrina comes over to blind them all into submission with her white teeth -- they may be whiter than ever now that she has the blonde highlights. Kristin snaps that she was just trying to say hi to friends and that they came at her "like fucking piranhas." This would be pretty awesome if it even had a shred of authenticity.