The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
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Last-Bitch Effort

More hullabaloo ensues. Kristin tells Stephanie to pipe down. Awesome. Then Audrina tells Kristin to put her dukes up. Semi-awesome. Kristin issues a throwdown. Audrina comes all up in Kristin's face and towers over her, actually touching her face in the melee. All the while everyone is screaming over everyone else. Finally Kristin tells both of them to stay out of her business (does she know what show she's on?). They kind of stumble away, and Kristin utters the titular taunt, plus a fuck for good measure. As ShePratt pot-kettles with Speidi about what a bad influence Kristin is, Audrina stands solitarily to the side looking a bit defeated, and Kristin shouts to them both, "You just fucked yourself!" Eight minutes in, my friends, and it's catfight central! The people in the crowd seem to be enjoying it as much as I am. As much as I enjoyed me some LC, she did become a bit of a drip at the end. And now there's no good girl to slow down shit. This is what they call a guilty pleasure.

ShePratt meets Audrina for lunch. They commiserate about Kristin's "complete psycho bitch" behavior. Audrina starts a new paragraph with a new thesis statement: Jayde should worry about Kristin, not Audrina. Steph one-ups her, saying every girlfriend in L.A. should worry about her. Speaking of Brody, though, she mentions that Brody is throwing Frankie a fiesta birthday celebration the next day. Audrina wonders if Kristin will be there. Never one to avoid playing with fire, ShePratt says she probably will, but she's going anyway. Audrina doesn't want to ruin Frankie's birthday with drama. "How could one person turn all our lives upside down?" wonders ShePratt aloud. Audrina says Kristin can only do it if they allow her to. You know, I've finally realized why she has the ceiling eyes. I think she writes her lines on the inside of her eyelids.

Meanwhile, Speidi go to look at a house for sale in Brentwood. And so Spencer begins his gimmicky Cowboy Hat 2009 campaign. It's a total suburban, picket-fence type of house. So not them. And yet Heidi loves everything about the place. She thinks it would be a great home for newlyweds and new families. The realtor plays along, saying one room would be particularly good for a nursery. Spencer groans. They check out the pool briefly before Heidi suggests they go into the nursery. Spencer argues semantics, saying it's not a nursery without all the baby shit in it. Heidi sides with the flame-stoking realtor.

The next day, Kristin arrives fashionably late to Frankie's fiesta. Brody makes a toast, then Kristin gets to business. She immediately leans in seductively and asks JB whether he's single. She says she's been single for two years. He says that, other than Audrina, he's been single for four. So I guess that was a "let's be single together" ring you put in your grimy mouth two seasons ago? Even Kristin and Bartender Stacie (yes, she's there, don't get me started...) call JB out on that obfuscation. BS remembers that she's breaking character, though, and throws in that Audrina is a "Stage Five clinger" just to take up the bitch factor a notch. JB claims he and Audrina were never fully-fully together. See! Subtle distinction. They were only fully together. Big difference!

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The Hills

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