The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
Last-Bitch Effort

Meanwhile, of course Lo and ShePratt are frantically scribbling down things in, like, a pink furry notebook so they can report back to Audrina. Lo says that Audrina would have a heart attack if she were seeing this. ShePratt doesn't miss a beat before saying that's exactly why she wanted Audrina to come. Truth. She literally wishes that Audrina would die before her very eyes, so she could a.) fling herself on top of the corpse, b.) exploit the mourning screen time, and c.) ascend to her rightful place as one of the opening credits personalities -- and get paid. Those meth-erasing Botox sessions don't come cheap, y'all. Lo says she's going to keep being nice to Kristin because she doesn't want to get on her bad side.

Brody invites everyone to go watch the Laker game at the bar across the street. Lo and ShePratt bid their goodbyes. Kristin scampers across the street with JB and pretends to know things about sports while he pours beard clippings on her with his eyes. JB likes 'em dirty. Some extra asks JB if he likes Kristin. He takes a minute from biting off his fingernails to say she's like different weather. Oh, so crafty with the metaphors that one!

He takes his cue and walks over, conveniently mentioning his bike. She says she's never ridden on a motorcycle before. He offers to give her a ride. She plays the coquette to his street urchin in the fucked-up harlequin romance playing out in Adam DiVello's mind. He notes that Audrina has been on the back of that bike and asks if that will be a problem. Kristin says they should find something else to do. She finally is all, "I don't know, Justin, are you asking me out?" He claims he's trying to be good. What, with the post-rehab Grey Goose drinking or the fucking your friend's ex-slash-your ex's friend part?

He goes back to his perch with Frankie and the extra, but Frankie invites Kristin to come sit with them so he can tease her about whether she's cozy enough. She plays along, saying he's warm and apparently reaching down into Frankie's pants. He asks if she thinks Audrina will be mad. They both basically lay out their cheap, producer-dictated, short-sighted reasons for playing along with this showmance. As long as they're on the same page...

Speidi's real estate parade carries on in Hollywood. They enter a sleek, modern, celeb-style pad. Heidi thinks it's too much of a party house. Which is totally them. She compares it to the last place, saying it's not the suburban starter home she sees herself in. Spencer thinks it's "suburban with an attitude," whatever that means. Heidi dismisses it as a "porno pad." Spencer stays quiet on that one because it would clearly be a case of The Gayface Doth Protest Too Much if he picked that battle. Heidi wanders out onto the deck -- the one thing she likes about the place -- and says the nature elements remind her of home. Spencer tells her it's a good thing she likes the view because she'll be seeing it for a long time moving forward. He put a deposit down without talking to her first. Classic Spencer. Heidi is not impressed.

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The Hills




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