The Hills

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Hot Messes

Previously: Property Virgins (and no other kind): Heidi and Spencer. WWE SmackDown: Kristin and Audrina. Blind Date: Kristin and Justin Bobby. "But before things went any further, I knew I should try to talk to Audrina face to face..."

Kristin meets with Bartender Stacie to gear up with her one-on-one with Audrina. BS wonders what they'll talk about. They both marvel how they've never gotten in a fight in the five seconds they've known each other. (Shocking!) They agree it would be a major fight, since they're both such bitches. Kristin acknowledges that she had drinks with JB, though she claims it was to make sure they would stay "just friends." Yeah, that was really clear when you were telling him about your amazing bed. She says if Audrina found out that JB offered to take her for a "ride" on his bike, she'd be really pissed. And then the conversation literally descends into nonsense. "Like, I don't know." -- "Yeah." -- "Nah." Glad to see this season has really raised the bar intellect-wise. Credits.

Audrina hangs out with her tattooed sister Casey. Audrina mentions Kristin's lunch invitation, so Casey brings up what JB thinks about the whole imbroglio. They both agree JB's a douche. Word. The jury's still out on whether he and Kristin have hooked up yet. Casey warns Audrina not to trust Kristin. She asks if Audrina is going to have lunch with her. Audrina: "Nooooo." Casey: "Duuuude." Seriously. Didn't the old scene tag-outs used to at least pretend to be meaningful?

ShePratt arrives at the new Speidi Web. Heidi seems to be jazzed about the new place, despite once calling it a porno pad. She says it's not very kid-proof. Spencer's all, "And that, my dear, is the point." ShePratt deems them the most immature married couple she knows. Yikes! Heidi somehow thinks that having a baby will mature Spencer. Because it worked so well for Levi Johnston... Even ShePratt says "Au contraire." Now you know if ShePratt is doling out the sage advice that surely the apocalypse is upon us. Heidi insists they have a great relationship ("Ha, ha!" says the couples counselor they pay $300 an hour to), but that Spencer needs something else to focus on so he can realize what's important. Spencer decides not to stifle that laugh. It's a "Fuck you" of the highest order. What's new?

Elsewhere, Lo joins Kristin for lunch. Apparently Audrina blew her off. Lo says she understands. Kristin fills her in on the JB situation. She claims their date was "just a conversation just to get to know each other"... and each other's beds. Lo points out that she's never been on a date to "get to know" JB. Kristin admits they flirted. She reiterates JB's assertion that he and Audrina were never exclusive. She claims she's the one who has been hurt since she put herself out there and Audrina didn't show up. Oh, sweet, thick-headed Kristin... Are you serious? Lo looks equally dubious about this logical fallacy. Kristin decides she might as well go for JB since Audrina has now pissed her off. She declares, "If you mess with me, I mess with you," totally disregarding the fact that she stirred up this shit in the first place. Lo wisely remains steadfast in her "Don't piss off Kristin" plan.

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The Hills

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