The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D- | Grade It Now!
Strippers & Sushi

Previously: Heidi decided to curse the world with consumerist demon spawn. Not surprisingly, this tour de force of lunacy involved missed birth control pills, seductive wine dinners and general fleece-pulling over baby-hatin' Spencer's eyes. Brody dicked around with Kristin a bit before deciding he'd rather have a surgically enhanced sure bet with Jayde. And "Justin had been calling me. But I needed a break from boys -- at least that's what I thought until I went to Vegas..."

Kristin and Bartender Stacie drive into Vegas and take bets on whether they'll hook up this weekend. Kristin's not so sure she'll let some random stranger in Ed Hardy touch her cooter, but she's leaning toward it. BS reminds her, "This trip is all about you." In BS-speak, that translates to "This trip all about playing STD roulette." Kristin says true dat. She makes it a personal mission for each of them to meet one guy to flirt with all night. BS ups the ante and says they shouldn't limit themselves to one. She seals her fate with a cliché: "We're not here to meet Mr. Right. We're here to meet Mr. Right Now. You live, and you learn, and then you go to Vegas." Kristin laughs heartily, and they scream like ninnies. I weep silently. And, although I know those are the words from which countless Vegas trips have sprung, it breaks my heart with its reductive whorishness. I mean, it's just embarrassing. Credits.

Back in L.A., Spencer regales his extra-- I mean, friend with details of Heidi's romantic wifey display for him. Yes. The one we realize was entirely crafted to get knocked up and surprise Spencer with the "good news." The extra catches wise to this obvious fact in about 0.125 seconds, likening Heidi to a black widow. It's an imprecise analogy, but I'll allow it. Spencer assures him that Heidi's on birth control. He's seen the pills. The extra warns him that she might be tonguing them, like so many disgruntled mental patients. Heidi is positively incredulous that his beloved might pull such a scheme. And, with that, we know this shit is a set-up. Just as with last week, you better believe the Spencer Pratt that he promotes himself as would not take any sudden display of affection and domesticity from Heidi lying down (so to speak). He would know it was a fix. But for the purposes of extending this Pratt-baby fuckery for a few more episodes, we get to listen in as the extra suggests Spencer take Heidi out for those standby pregnant-lady nemeses: sushi and alcohol. There's some more offensive stereotyping, then an attendant rolls around a cherry red hot rod that Spencer claims he rebuilt himself. Uh-huh.

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The Hills




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