The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D- | Grade It Now!
Strippers & Sushi

L.A. Audrina meets JB's friend Derek again for the rehash of her last disastrous and mortifying dinner with Mr. ITALIA himself. She says she was basically his punching bag. Instead of acting sympathetic, Derek socks her again by informing her that JB is in Vegas with Kristin. Audrina finally shows that, though it takes a while, she can learn -- or at least repeat things back that have been said to her a million times -- when she says JB is a douchebag that will never change. Derek (some friend) chips in that he is super-selfish. Audrina says she's getting off this roller coaster ride while there's still a single strand of hair without vomit in it. Derek seems skeptical, but she insists his name won't (dis)grace her lips again.

Vegas. Kristin, JB and the third wheel belly up to the bar for skinny girl drinks and video poker. They start to map out their night. Kristin suggests a strip club. Unsurprisingly, BS is down. JB literally yawns at the prospect but agrees to join them. He ruminates on the consequences of his flaking out on this third and final chance from Kristin. She gloats that he probably never drove to Vegas for Audrina. He agrees, casually not mentioning the time he abandoned her there to find her way back to L.A. 'Cause he's thoughtful like that. He says she makes him do unexpected things. Then he asks whether she would have done the same for him. She says not after he played both sides with her and Audrina. He says she did the same thing with Brody and asks if that's going anywhere. She says that's a non-starter. Her downtrodden resignation is obvious enough that even JB should realize he's the consolation prize. He comforts himself and her with Stock Platitude #4,379: "Everything happens for a reason." The Three Slutsketeers do a shot to the night ahead. Kristin and JB tease each other not to let the other down, then they exchange the most bored look in the history of the world. Lo-level ennui, y'all.

The trio makes its way to a strip club. Kristin brags that she can do stripper moves, then languidly claims she wants to get a stripper pole. BS throws some money on the stage, then receives a leg-splaying lap dance -- with underwear on her head, I might mention. The table fills up with vodka and mixers, and I whimper at the recognition that they are in this for the long haul. Whoa! Did a lap dancer just go down on Kristin? Sure looked like it. JB looks on smugly like he invented bicuriosity in women. Then Kristin realizes the rent won't pay itself and starts flirting brazenly with him. BS calls out her third-wheel status. Kristin mocks her openly, but JB has something else in mind. Something decidedly more Gossip Girl. So Justin Badgley calls for them to kiss, and Kristin Duff and Stacie Szohr happily oblige. Then Kristin and JB go back to kissing because girl-on-girl isn't in Kristin's contract. God, this really must be the most embarrassing episode of this show ever. And not even for good reason. Just shamefully transparent with its intentions and total trite titillation fail.

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The Hills




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