The Hills

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Strippers & Sushi

Speidi Web 2.0. The extra makes a bonus appearance in time for Spencer to whip out the pregnancy test he "found" in the trash in their place. With gritted teeth, he thanks the extra for summoning the Yoda-like powers in his porn 'stache to warn him about the wiles of baby-hungry Heidi. Spencer stage-whispers, "What if she's pregnant? Game over!" But I won't be fooled again, damn it. That old Spender very nearly had me with the vasectomy threat, and it took me minutes to recover. No sir, I will not get my hopes up for a world in which Spencer can be classified as "Game over." It would just be too good to be true. Spencer fears, at various points, his own impending meltdown if Heidi is actually knocked up, the very real possibility that his child will be warped into an Oedipus complex, and the fact that doctors won't be swift enough in inventing a male birth control pill to get him out of this fix. Then the extra really goes to the twilight zone by suggesting Spencer and Heidi actually sit down and have a talk. Ha! Comedy and mustache cultivation. What can't this man do?

Vegas. Kristin and JB lie in bed together, reeling from their hangovers and laughing about their shenanigans the night before. Kristin tells JB she's glad he came, then asks what's next for them. He returns to old form, playing it cool and loose. They leave it at "We'll see..." We certainly know how the editors feel as Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" plays us out.

Next week: Season finale already? Good Gaga, nothing has happened this season. Spencer fears his future as a father. Brody crosses himself and ducks for cover. Speidi have "the talk." Jayde gets a little prematurely cocky in the security of having Brody back. Not so soon, Canadian Barbie Eh! Kristin hesitates to give her heart to JB, and the nimrod seeks the sage advice of Audrina. Even nimrod-ier, she gives it to him. Gah! Kristin and JB commit... to having fun? But will the feelings Brody is harboring get in the way? Do you really care enough to pretend that you believe any of it? In the words of the second most humiliating couple of 2009 after Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley, "We'll see..."

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The Hills

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