The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
Cheaters Live Long & Prosper

That night. H.Wood. (Crap.Name.) Heidi's weave, ShePratt and Holly show up with their eyes peeled and prefab hate in their hearts. What in holy Hell is going on with Steph's blush?! It's like a terra cotta artisan went to town on her cheeks. Heidi apprises Holly and Steph of the text message tragedy, and they are expectably plunged into shock, horror, disbelief. Heidi is disheartened that what she thought was a misunderstanding seems to actually be, in fact, deliberate. Steph brilliant sums up that BS is approaching this in a "deliberate, malicious, skankily [sic]" manner. Heidi claims she just wants to know the truth.

Finally, BS and her Keeping Up with the Kardashians knock-off pussy posse sashay in like they own that bitch. They sit down across the room and proceed to taunt Heidi. She doesn't actually say it, but I know that Heidi is totally all "No she di'n't!" in that Bethenny from Real Housewives of NYC way in her head. While Heidi and her own Girls Next Door knock-off posse talk shit, BS considers heading over. Don't do it, BS. It's a race war! There will be no survivors! Actually, yeah, do it. So we can all move on with our lives, with a few less dumb people to carry on our hump backs.

So BS, her bubble voice and all her faux-dashian friends make come over and make themselves right at home. She stares vacantly at Heidi for a few seconds, and we hear someone in the background stage whisper "Line! Line!" so Heidi snaps to and asks where Spencer is. BS plays dumb, so to speak, so Heidi brings up the now-infamous text. She asks if Spencer told BS to stop texting him so he could work out his ball-and-chain issues. BS gives a flat "no." She furthermore claims that she has done nothing wrong (except to flagrantly continue pursuing someone who Heidi has marked as her own territory). She says she doesn't want to get bitched out every time she goes out. Translation: "It's my hot body! I'll do what I want!" Heidi summons her fiercest gypsy curse: that she hopes BS knows the agony of dating a Pratt like Spencer. Stacie makes a valid point that Spencer is a dickweed, so he won't stop this behavior. Of course she naturally undermines herself by going all third person on Heidi's ass, saying, "There will always be another Stacie." Heidi puts that in her weave and smokes it.

Back at the ritual sacrifice... er... I mean barbecue, The Bunny and her Playmates plan their mass-mutilation of Audrina while others play Wii Tennis. Different types of sport, I guess. Audrina finally arrives, regretting that she just stubbed her toe before diving into these shark-infested waters. The Bunny gets immediately snotty toward Brody, and he tries to quell her jealous rage by smothering her with his man-boobs. Brody goes over the convenient facts he has decided to tell for what is probably the one-thousandth time. Bro, save yourself some time and make flash cards! But The Bunny will not be pacified. Frankie jumps in, explaining that Audrina just slept in Brody's bed, nothing more. Oh, so that's what we're calling it now, eh? The Bunny wraps up Part One of her self-righteous tirade by calling Frankie "retarded." The first of many classy moments to come, I'm sure. In honor of things to come, I propose we take a shot of Jaegermeister every time The Bunny does something that only a lady of immense sophistication and elegance would do, such as calling someone "retarded." (Spoiler alert! She will... take a shot that is.)

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The Hills




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