If you gave up last season like I did -- not because I loved LC so much, which I do, but because I expected so much more from Kristin -- then this little bumper intro is not going to help you. Essentially, everything you thought happened, happened, and nothing you didn't think happened, happened: Kristin decided to date Justin Bobby, out of equal parts his total hot awesomeness and the desire to slap the living shit out of Audrina that afflicts all right-thinking people -- but then realized that, as perfect and next-level a being as JB is, he's still way weirder than bro-job Brody Jenner, who at least makes a pretense for the cameras at being from Planet Earth.

Frankly, I too would find it difficult to choose. On the one hand, Justin Bobby is a national treasure whose thoughts I truly believe are simply too large and outstanding to make it all the way out his supple lips. On the other hand, Brody Jenner is all-American, and not in the conventional 1950's way but in the "This Is What Boys Are Like Now" way. In the "All LA Guys Are Basically Human Twitter Feeds" way.

And usually, as a long-term Kristin Fan, I would say that you should go with whoever is the most like Kristin, because that's when things get awesomest -- when she dates someone who, like herself, does not give one sociopathic iota of a shit -- except both these boys are like her, but also not like her. In that Brody needs everybody to like him, and JB needs everybody to understand that he's not burdened by existential anxiety that borders on a mental disorder.

But also, though, now Kristin herself is not like herself -- now that she's made the jump to The Hills and once again voiceover'd LC's sloppy TV seconds -- which is why I stopped watching in the first place: KC got boring and predictable and stopped being someone I admired for her dating savvy and inborn ability to treat boys like softly whispering accessories. Or maybe, since she got JB, I assumed she could rest because that's like winning the entire game. I just miss the Kristin that could look a guy in the eye and say, "I will fuck you or not fuck you, but please don't expect me to rearrange my schedule for you, or listen to a lot of blah-blah-blah," and then kick back and watch them squirm. Now it's like she's wearing herself -- all that -- as a costume, and it seems kinda desperate.

So if I were K-Cav -- second to sacking up and going back to being awesome instead of the affected trainwreck she was last year -- I would choose Brody, because at least girls watching this should know what Brodies are like, whereas there is only one JB on this whole planet and -- his efforts to the contrary -- not every girl is going to be confronted with the unique challenges that he provides.