The list of shit that poor girl has done to herself takes a lot longer to say than I'm interested in doing at present, but anyway the interesting things here are twofold: Number one, watching Stephanie Pratt's jaws unhinge to feast on the sad news of Heidi's mental meltdown is pretty gross, because what has Heidi ever done to her. Or frankly, to anybody. (Being the accessory to a crime is not being a criminal, especially with the extenuating circumstances of being fully hypnotized by a psychopath.) And number two, the fact that it immediately degenerates into a much less interesting discussion of what they're adding to your ass when they give you an ass implant, rather than discussing how a person's entire face has turned into an entirely different and less-recognizably human face. That to me is the headline.

But the biggest thing for me personally is neither of these, because if I was Heidi's friend and she turned into this monster -- if I couldn't get her away from Spencer in time, essentially, to stop her transformation -- then I would not talk about her, on camera or otherwise, because that would be associating with her, which I would not be doing. It's bad enough that Stephanie Pratt is even suffered to live, I'm not going to talk about trashy shit like Heidi's ass, on TV or otherwise. You lie down with dogs, you end up with implants. Grandma always said that, and I never understood until all this went down with Heidi, precisely what she meant. Ditto "Between the hot-and-cold running coke, and Jesus, Lauren never stood a chance of saving her," which I'm still trying to decipher.

Spencer is stomping around telling Heidi she's not allowed to go home to Colorado, because that's where they keep the Thoughts. There's an amazing thing while she's packing where we don't get to see her face the whole time she's talking about how "great" she looks and how "happy" she feels, and every time you think the camera's going to give us a heaping helping of her self-destruction, it cuts away. It's really amazing, this; it's like a joke they would do on 30 Rock, except in this case the joke is real and the joke is Heidi.

Sitting out at the beach with Lo and Stephanie, where all they do is talk about Kristin. See, that hasn't changed. She comes back to sit with them, and they stop gossiping about her and how she's so wild and crazy, and Audrina stares out to shore and wonders what her manatee sisters are doing down in the depths of the sea where she used to live, and then in Colorado it's snowing. Heidi's mom bursts into tears the second she sees her daughter's ruined face.