Heidi starts crying and babbling about her pain and how her mother is attacking her and being mean and not understanding her. "This is what I chose, and there's nothing that I can take back," she says, and then opens her mouth wide, silently, because: That's it. I mean, even way back when Heidi was awesome it was mostly because of her sheer willpower. She would look you in the eye and say, "My grades and future don't depend on my going to class or taking notes or tests." And on some level you sort of had to agree with her, because there she was staring at you, willing you to agree with her. Like a schizophrenic.
And what she's saying now is, she's not so unrealistic or ridiculous a person that she doesn't look in the mirror and see what she did to herself. She's well aware. But it's like getting a botched tattoo: There's no going back, so let's all just hope for the best and pretend that she looks good, because what other choice do we have? It makes me sadder that she knows this. What good is Spencer Pratt if he can't brainwash you enough to lie to yourself, even in Colorado?
I think when most people say they're horrified by Speidi it's the floating-signifier, embodiment-of-fame thing they're objecting to: That willingness to do anything for publicity, to take control of any narrative and make it about them, the next-wave California whoredom they've perfected. Being the Thing instead of talking about the Thing.
But that's not what scares me: It's these little moments of self-awareness when you see her looking at her life from the outside and realizing that it's one thing to try to put Lady GaGa into practice -- Fame is a monster, I am a monster, therefore I am fame -- and another thing entirely at the end of the day. It's something very close to religion, or at least an existential decision, for both of their empty asses, and seeing the cracks in that faith is really terrifying. If you can't give yourself wholly to the idea you've built your life around, then the regular stuff is going to hurt twice as much.
Superbowl! Let's toast to friendship! All the girls look so pretty and all boys are "ready to rage." Even Frankie. They toast, and then we go to Miami Beach, to dance around on high heels and take more shots. Where is Stephanie? Where is her sobriety? At the Maxim party, Audrina totters toward Brody, because her sense of gravity is always going to make him and any boys LC has dated the place her marble rolls naturally toward.