The Hills

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"It's Been A Rough Couple Of Days."

Brody, never one to shy away from open season on retards, decides to make another play, first asking about JB to hurt her feelings and soften her up, and then asking her if she's seeing anybody else, which is the killing blow, because who on Earth? KC is not having this, at all, because merely seeing Audrina smile -- even though it's a given that whatever joke he just told her, she didn't understand at all -- is enough to activate her rage. Me too.

Audrina runs over and throws herself all up on Stephanie -- who looks a million, she really does -- and they run off to giggle and laugh about Brody, and meanwhile Kristin is drinking Miami's entire store of vodka and bitching about all the drama. Please, that wasn't drama. Audrina gets that excited about the Supercollider, and besides, she was only making an issue of it because you were there, and he only did it because you are there, and both of those things should be self-evident, so put down that drink and pick up a gun.

Next morning, Audrina's feet are quote "tore up." Kristin, looking rough as shit, listens as Stephanie begs her for the deets on Brody, and then croaks her admission that she was out until five AM. Lo suggests that they do something low-key on their second night, mostly I think to save Kristin's life, and all the girls agree. I don't think saving Kristin from taking on the entire Eastern Seaboard is going to be that simple. If my choices were to go out and get raging drunk versus stay home with Stephanie and Audrina, it would be pretty fucking simple. If my choices were firing squad versus stay home with Stephanie and Audrina, I would still not think twice.

At dinner, as nicely as he can, Heidi's stepdad tries to be supportive insofar as he is fascinated to bear witness to her as her transformation nears completion. He calls her "tightened" and "taut" and a bunch of nicer words for "plastic," but she supplies the word herself. Holly asks once again what happened to her self-confidence, and Heidi says that she needed to become a monster in order to hate herself less. Mom suggests that maybe deep-rooted and (let's be honest) fairly recent psychological issues are to blame, which is obvious, but the part where Heidi gets stuck is when Mom suggests that maybe there is no amount of surgical change that will possibly fix what's really wrong. Heidi easily deflects this with the Wonder Woman bracelets of her Crazy, and says Mom only believes this because she "lives in the mountains." I get what she's saying -- California is a machine that makes you gross, one way or another -- but it's still a funny turn of phrase.

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The Hills




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