The Hills

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Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
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Loose Lips, Tight Tits

Previously: Heidi went against her doctor and crystal shaman's instructions and transported her new space-material soul-shell to Colorado. Mom Darlene gasped, recoiled, and dissolved into tears -- a reaction markedly less violent than the rest of us had, God bless her. The rest of the gang traveled to Miami, even though they all hate each other in ways big and small. Kristin decided one night without eye contact (Audrina), money-fueled enthusiasm (Lo), or self-awareness (ShePratt) was enough, so she ditched their asses. Therefore she is on drugs. Wait, what? It sounded so much more reasonable when it was in the tabloids. And that, my friends, is never a good sign.

Kristin makes her way over to Audrina's house. They commiserate about recovering from Miami for a hot second before Kristin mentions she's ready to party hearty again. What good is a wagon if you can't fall off it, I always say. Audrina asks if she can bring someone, and so begins the distant nasal tones. Audrina acts all casual when she mentions, "He's a singer, a musician. His name's Ryan Cabrera," like she didn't fangirl all over that shit back in the day. Not to mention that Ryan Cabrera is such a non-factor these days that a.) she has to introduce his occupation and b.) Audrina will probably exponentially raise his profile. But I digress...

Audrina asks if Kristin's going to invite Lo and ShePratt. Kristin's all, "I don't know if you heard..." about the drugs rumors in Miami. Maybe she is on drugs if she doesn't even remember that Audrina was there. Maybe Audrina's on drugs, too, because she's all, "Yeah, I heard." Or perhaps she won't raise Ryan Cabrera's profile. Considering no one, including herself, registers her presence at major shit storms and D-list events. Kristin asks who started the coke chatter and points out the substantial logical leap between "Kristin doesn't want to hang out with us... in our hotel room... at 11 p.m... while on vacation... in Miami... on Super Bowl weekend" and "Kristin's a total crackwhore!" Kristin moans that the rumors are effecting her life and that she needs to get to the bottom of it -- the bottom of any pile of shit always being ShePratt. Credits.

Elsewhere, Lo and ShePratt drive around and cackle over a text alert Lo just got about Kristin being emaciated and going to rehab. "Oh my God, this is so embarrassing," squeals ShePratt with a glee that is beyond mere words. It's like she's a diabeetus sufferer (get better, Bret!) who just got a hit of insulin. Lo reads on as a "source" claims Kristin was wasted and out all night in Miami. Might that source be sitting in this very car? The words are literally recycled from the script (umm... I mean transcript!) last week.

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The Hills

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