The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
Loose Lips, Tight Tits

Lo's all, "She's fucked!" Then she starts in with the "I told her so" about their little ambush-tervention in Miami. She thinks the fact that Kristin didn't flat-out deny the accusations is proof of her problem. And, I'm not gonna lie, Kristin is painfully thin and pretty OOC at times, but being a lackluster debater five seconds after you've been woken up with a start isn't exactly concrete proof of drug dependency. Frankly, she articulates better after licking the vodka bottle dry than ShePratt does at 12:30 p.m. on any given Tuesday.

Lo asks ShePratt whether she thinks Kristin has a problem. ShePratt starts sanctimoniously spouting the 12-Step Handbook, which I'll remind you all even Lindsay Lohan has read. Suffice it to say, it's not a one-size-fits-all philosophy, and ShePratt might want to wait until she's out of the woods before she starts lighting fires under people's asses.

Lo snarks that Kristin's party is going to be super-fun with all this conflict brewing. ShePratt says she's mainly excited to see Heidi, since they haven't come face-to-face in months. Lo wonders how Spencer manages to ignore ShePratt. I wonder, too. I might even pay him for that secret.

Meanwhile, Heidi and Spencer sit down for lunch and chitchat about Kristin's party. Heidi says she's excited to reveal her "3.0 body" to everyone. "10.0," Spencer corrects, "Perfect 10!" Heidi giggles about the idea that the gang will be meeting "a whole new girl," and I'm not going to even unpack that statement and all of its intrinsic sad, WTF-ness. Spencer, on the other hand, worries that he's not used to "being around civilians." Who says shit like that? Did I mention he's wearing a salmon button-down and about 12 necklaces/strands of crystal. The salmon shirt in and of itself is not inherently wrong, but all of it together -- New Age trust fund prep. Good lord, my skin is crawling. And at this rate, I will never finish this recap, so onward and upward!

Spencer, creator of Spencentology, says that he doesn't know how he'll handle being around ShePratt. Heidi urges him to mend that relationship because, shouldn't one of them have a semi-functioning family life? Seriously, y'all... it's certainly not in my financial interest, but it's scenes like this one that edge me toward agreeing with Richard Lawson. I signed a contract with these people four years ago. All I asked for was lowbrow high drama. Instead I've gotten high brows (Heidi's) and in-the-gutter-low drama. At any rate, Spencer explains that he cut ties with ShePratt after her DUI and that he'll be avoiding her like the plague.

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The Hills




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