The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
Loose Lips, Tight Tits

As the tension hangs, Heidi and Spencer teeter up the front steps. She's in a bright red A.C. hooker dress that her breasts are actually sewn into (but just barely), and he's wearing his crystals and a grandpa cardigan. Guess the dress code wasn't stated on the invite. As they join the party, all eyes clap to her like moths to a flame. Someone immediately shouts, "Love that dress!" Because, really, what else are you going to compliment? And something else has to fill the air when it's so clear everyone is thinking, "Whoa. Tits." Brody drops his head down and takes a hefty swig of his beer as a self-proclaimed "fragile" Heidi delicately hugs everyone. Oh, and the Pratts have brought a housewarming gift in the form of a mammoth crystal.

Speaking of big hard things -- Kristin doesn't hold back as she comments on Heidi's breasts. Atta girl. Heidi gives the (back) scoop on all her procedures and explains how she wanted bigger boobs ("'H' for Heidi"), but the doctor couldn't fit them in. Giving credence to her "I live in L.A., you live in the mountains" statement from last week, the girls are pretty un-fazed by the notion of breast implants that are literally so big that your body will reject them, lest they swallow you alive. Audrina pretends to be shocked, but you know her eyes are just bugging out because she's trying to do the mental math on how she can get size H breasts put in first.

Across the party, Spencer models his bajillion crystals, rings, and bracelets for Brody, who's probably regretting that he asked just to be nice. I can't be bothered to make sense of it all. Nor can the editors, because we cut quickly back to Heidi and Kristin having a one-on-one. Kristin mentions the rumors floating around about her, although she doesn't directly indict ShePratt to Heidi's face. Heidi wonders what kind of a wretched person would start a completely unfounded rumor about drug use. I mean, this isn't a sex tape we're talking about here. The gall of some people!

And speaking of, ShePratt and Lo are the last to arrive. The Pratts do as Pratts do and quietly talk shit about each other from across the room. Spencer even throws it out there that he's never seen ShePratt's birth certificate, so she may not really be his sister. Wow. Glad to see those tranquility crystals are working out there, buddy.

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The Hills




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