Previously: After five seasons, the girls finally lived out their latent Sex and the City fantasy. Audrina was totally Samantha. That whore. Heidi was Susan Sharon, with her abusive Svengali husband Spencer being a demon hybrid of Stanford and Anthony. Somehow Lauren got over the sex tape rumors and "beef curtains" chants to forgive Heidi...ish. Along the way, there were single black eyeliner tears, "jobs," and lots of house parties, with one last féte to come...
Double L Ranch. Lauren is packing up-slash-procrastinating. Lo suggests one last house party, and they reminisce about their first-ever house party. Here's what Audrina's friends brought to the mix: nudie men, mohawks and lucite heels. In short, a classy bunch. Lo barrels over those evocative images like someone who has disconnected her emotions from the scars once connected to them, then continues with this ploy to gather all the gang together for one last drama festival. Suck it out of them, producers, suck it out of them! Lo asks Lauren what's next. Lauren claims she doesn't know. Her Twitter begs to differ. Credits.
The music folks continue to curry my favor by including nearly every possible song from the Kelly Clarkson album. We join the action at the Speidi Web as Heidi tells Steph she wants "the most extravagant wedding ever!" Oh, Jesus, she wants swans. Steph is down with the ornate notions until Heidi says she wants a white chocolate mousse truffle cake with vanilla and berries. This is too much information, and I think I actually see smoke rising from StephBot's weave. It only worsens when she asks the leading question: "Who's your Maid of Honor?" Newsflash, ShePratt: If she hasn't asked, it ain't you. ShePratt actually starts semi-crying when Heidi picks her own sister(!) to be her Maid of Honor. Are you kidding me?
Spencer and Darlene meet for lunch, where he continues to make amends as part of his Douchebags Anonymous rehabilitation. Darlene looks entirely dubious. To wit, she asks how he could have done such a personality 180 in just a few weeks. He claims he has finally let go of his 22-year-old clubbing antics (and his weed, apparently). Darlene says she appreciates Spencer's apologizing. He pushes it, asking if she appreciates it enough to give Speidi her blessing for the wedding. She chokes it out, practically shoving the check into her pocket as she says it. Her mouth says she wants to believe that she is looking at the "new and improved Spencer," but her snide facial expression indicates otherwise.