Heidi's bridal shower. The waiter brings out a champagne cart, and those bitches are lucky I'm not there because I might just dive into that thing. Also not there? Holly. And who brings this up? Guess, just guess! Of course ShePratt. Not bitter at all, that one. Also worth noting: Audrina tells Heidi she's "glowing." Ain't that the pot calling the kettle tanorexic? Seriously, it's a good thing the couches at the Beverly Wilshire aren't brown leather because Audrina would literally disappear. Just a blinding set of choppers and peepers to differentiate her from the tanned cow carcass.

Holly finally arrives. That bitch. Audrina asks Heidi which bottle of champagne she wants to open. Heidi's response? "The most expensive one." Nice. So tackily materialistic, and yet so true to form. They pop dem bottles and play a game to figure out which of the shower attendees knows Heidi the best. The first question is how many kids she wants. We learn that Heidi wants four -- all boys. Steph's all, "Me too!" in a desperate bid to establish her relevance, but Heidi totally cuts her off, explaining that she wants all boys because ain't no little girl gonna come along and take her place as the HBIC of Speidi Manor. That explains so much.

Next question: How did that unholy union known as Speidi form, changing our lives for the much, much worse? Darlene is quick to point out that Spencer stalked Heidi for a while, though that wasn't the beginning. Heidi suspects they met in a club. As you do when you're young and hot and fame-hungry. But, as required by plot, Audrina points out that, in fact (a.k.a. supposedly), Kristin Cavallari introduced them back when she was dating Brody, thanks to Pratt's fame-whoring machinations. It's appropriate, really. Kristin was the proto-Heidi. And though Spencer's aim has improved and his greed increased, he was always seeking an "It" girl with which to make his smarmy mark.