Back in the secret meeting chambers, lots of dubbed-over dialogue to make it seem like Heidi and Lauren still give a rat's ass about this bull honky, like they both needed some closure before they could move on with their lives. Lauren pretends she's happy if Heidi's happy. Heidi pretends she's happy. And yet they both start crying fake eyeliner-smearing tears. Bah.
And it's show time! Spencer takes his perch. He gives a little nod to Kristin, who is obviously a bit rusty with her blank-but-meaningful expressions. They're pretty much just reading as blank at this point. Gee, I do wonder why her acting career never took off... The preacher takes his spot. The ceremonial song-before-the-Bridal March plays, and of course Lauren walks in front of the entire congregation so everyone can start a-buzzin'. She takes a seat next to Lo, who quickly informs her that the dreaded Kristin is mere feet away. And bitch stole her idea to wear cornflower blue! Lauren uncomfortably fiddles with her hair. Kristin looks in about every direction possible, anxiously biding her time until someone gives her some dialogue.
Finally, the blasted wedding begins. And as much as it is about Speidi, it's also about those old relationships of which we have long grown tired. And yet they remain. Like Cher and the cockroaches. Justin and Audrina exchange pained sideways glances. Lauren is bored out of her frakking mind. It's hilarious. If you think she was mentally ticking down the minutes before, then she is taking it to a new level now. You can see the milliseconds rolling in her eyes. Kristin stares on, vacantly, trying to remember what she's doing here. Oh yeah, stirring up shit! Spencer hams it up, as you'd expect, and no one can be bothered to laugh. Heidi acts as sincere as you would expect, and no one can be bothered to cry. Heidi says her vows, really punching that "til death do us part" bit with homicidal glee. The congregation stands, and the newlyweds (now legal in both Mexico and the States!) ready for their nuptial smooch. Looks like those altar kiss tips paid off because Spencer almost reads "straight" here. The preacher announces Mr. and Mrs. Spencer and Heidi Pratt --