The Hills
"Something Old, Something New…"

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: F | Grade It Now!
Nice Day for a Trite Wedding

People's Rev. Lauren pays a visit to Kelly up in the Boss Loft. It's such a farce. Like in the earlier scene with Lo. Why are they going to such lengths to pretend that Lauren doesn't know what's next? She wrote a book! And why now with Kelly is she going to such lengths to pretend she's just a lowly fashion school student who's grown up at People's Rev? She had a fashion line, people. Sure, it tanked. But she had it. And to credit Kelly Cutrone for mentoring her when the bulk of her work was packing and steaming clothes, well that's just silly. Awesome, Kelly does reference the French flâneur movement, proving herself to be a woman of both style and substance. All said and done, Kelly wishes Lauren all the best and gently nudges her dead weight out, smiling as she whispers, "Don't let the door hit your ass..." Love you, Kell! Feel free to hire some more idiots and make a cameo to degrade them next season!

Rehearsal dinner. Darlene, Wild Bill and the whole gang are there. Speidi call each other "wifey" and "husband," as if they didn't already render those words meaningless with that little Mexican charade. Steph is the first to make a toast, and she actually looks kind of lovely as she gives a really nice (albeit entirely undeserved) speech. Someone rouses Holly from her already-drunk stupor, and she gets up with an elegant upward hoist of her strapless dress. She gives an eloquent riff in the key of "crap," ironically starting with the sentence "Since day one, Spencer has treated me like I was his sister," which is to say "like shit." Bonus: Holls tells us that Heidi has always been "very religious," including making man-snagging voodoo potions when she was a young, hook-nosed girl in the woods of Colorado.

Holly sits down, a single tear glistening in her eye. Spencer and Steph exchange a serious "WTF" look as Darlene compliments her daughter's elocution skills. Shortly thereafter, Holly high-fives the waiter and asks where she can put her gum. Darlene sticks her hand out to take it, and Heidi looks on, horrified. In a total non sequitur of a character arc, we are being made to believe that Holly is suddenly backwoods trash. To be fair, she does earn it a bit by throwing a potato at her younger brother Sky, who is sitting next to Nana(!). But her aim was off, and the cursed potato accidentally hits Heidi's expensive new purse. Ohhhhh girl, don't mess with Heidi's possessions! ShePratt looks on, rubbing her hands with excitement underneath the table. Heidi is practically livid as Holly tries to apologize, albeit rather nonchalantly. She does offer to pay, though, knowing that it's an expensive purse. Good enough for me. Even Spencer claims it's all good, that it's just a purse, but you can tell it's on. Holly walks off grumpily.

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The Hills




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