The Hills
"Something Old, Something New…"

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Nice Day for a Trite Wedding

And finally, ladies and germs, the Speidi Wedding! Oh no! They're Presbyterians, too. Do I need to convert? A motley crew of folks begins pouring in: Brody and The Bunny, Frankie, even Brent Bolthouse, God love him.

Back in the Groom's Suite, Spencer and his hired friends say a fake prayer for Spencer not to be his usual tool self and for the post-nuptial kiss not to look too TomKat. Apropos of that, the homeboys actually make a game plan for the kiss. But it's not cute and/or charming in a Wedding Singer way, it's pained and meticulous in the "Spencer doesn't really like girls" way.

More ass bags and hired help pour into the church. This round features Lo and Audrina. They all speculate where Lauren is and whether she's coming. Meanwhile, Bartender Stacie and her saggy sundress-clad boobs join the fray. Frankie thinks about macking on her at the reception. Then suddenly everyone's noses scrunch up, as if the smell of a rotting corpse has just wafted into the church. Oh, wait! That's just Justin Bobby. With shirt unbuttoned to his navel, he plops into a pew across the aisle from Audrina and Co., takes a whiff of his stanky armpit, then makes all manner of Cro-Magnon faces at Audrina as she pretends not to see him.

Backstage, or should I say, in the "bridal suite," Heidi is fully dressed in her glorious cupcake of a dress and about $5 million worth of jewelry evocative of Madonna circa 1985. You gotta do something to counterbalance the voluminous weave, I guess? Heidi says she's a little nervous and half-jokes that she hopes Spencer doesn't get cold feet and run away. She natters on about how she feels like a real princess, but are the jewels in every shape, length and size just a bit too much? Perhaps one doesn't need a diamond choker, a diamond necklace down to her waist, and a diamond-embellished, empire waist-making belt, for example? She asks Holly, Steph, and Darlene if she's overdoing the bridal styling, but they don't have the heart to tell her that she's overdoing LIFE.

And then, ZOMG! Lauren Conrad herself walks in. Because it's totally appropriate and not scripted at all for her to just strut on into the dressing room. How would she even know where that thing is? Big smiles on everyone's faces. Lauren hugs Steph and Holly before they scurry out, then Darlene thanks her sincerely for showing up before she, too, exits stage right for the big heart-to-heart. Lauren takes in this befuddling site that is Heidi's full-blown orchestral suite of a dress. Heidi says, "I feel like a swan princess," to which Lauren responds, "You look like one!" And that, I think, really sums it all up. Are there really people whose dream in life is to look like a swan princess at their wedding? Because those dreams will get you far, it turns out. Lauren's so taken aback she calls Heidi "bedazzled." It's not a term I'd use in a necessarily complimentary sense, personally, and I suspect as much of Lauren Conrad, she of the jersey tunic dress. Heidi asks again, "Is it too much?" Lauren says it's perfect. And that much is true. It's perfect for Heidi -- because she is, herself, too much.

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The Hills

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