The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: C- | Grade It Now!
Rude Awakenings

Kristin's phone buzzes with a text. She giddily runs over to show it to BS. The record practically skips at the party, and Brody asks what happened. She actually looks like she's reveling in this. Because now she gets to be the center of attention. She explains that JB bailed again, then gives the back story about him flaking at Brody's party and what another unexcused absence means for their showmance. She quotes JB's text, from which we get the show's title: "Sorry boo, Strike Two." I call shenanigans on that for about five reasons, chief of which is, do you really expect me to believe that JB uses the word "boo"? I kind of like that at least he's forthright about being a prick and still expecting a booty call this time, though. That's more respect (if you can call it that) than he ever showed to Audrina. It at least lets Kristin pursue other options. And you know she will, that slag. To wit, she tells Brody that JB can fuck off because she doesn't have time to be left hanging. And starts silently planning how to discreetly, "accidentally" lets her lips fall on Brody's penis. Repeatedly.

Later, Holly drunkenly stumbles around the party asking for "a little splasher." Ah, what my sexist joke-loving bosses would make of that. Apropos of that, she suggests a breakdance fight. Of course she'll need a couple of shots first to fortify herself. We don't see her take said shots, which is a sham. Nonetheless, we're treated to Round Two of the Benes dance, the extended remix! I kind of hope this becomes a weekly occurrence. Everyone watches, hoots, laughs, pushes Frankie toward her, questions her sobriety, etc. And, honestly, it's less of a self-shaming than a requisite scene from every Drew Barrymore movie to date. And then ShePratt ambles in to mellow Holly's buzz with her duck lips and newly pointy body (but not her nose -- those edges have been smoothed out professionally). It comes to nothing, as Holly insists she's not really even that much to drink. Just a splasher.

Meanwhile, BS points out that JB has arrived. What a scraggly-haired little trickster! Kristin is not amused. She angrily asks what's the point of announcing that you're flaking only to show up. Also worth noting, Holly's cleavage is taking up about half of the screen during this dramatic statement. Awesome blocking. Brody says he's going to go give JB the what's what.

Up on the balcony, he asks JB if he's playing head games. JB laughs like Ray Liotta and asks, "Did it work?" Brody gives him the thumbs-down, so JB straightens up and claims it was innocent. Mmm-hmmmm. He turns the tables, saying Brody might care a little too much about what's going on between JB and Kristin. Brody treats this comment like it came out of left field... or Adam DiVello's evil mind. Which it did. On both accounts. Brody diverts the subject by suggesting they take a shot. Perhaps a Jaeger bomb in honor of his girlfriend?

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The Hills




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