Because four hours of Speidi each week aren't enough! Welcome to "Speidi's Wedding Unveiled," or, as I like to call it, "Platinum Blonde Weddings." Har-dee-har, I'm here all night, folks. Seriously, though, let's make this quick.

Speidi gloatingly introduces themselves as Spencer Pratt and "Mrs. Spencer Pratt," marveling at the fact that they are actually legally married this time. They promise to offer the inside scoop on their spectacular nuptials, including the big surprise -- the arrival of Lauren (not a surprise, btw) -- and the "even bigger surprise" -- the arrival of Kristin Cavallari (even less of a surprise). Guess it must be opposite day up in here. I love these guys! And Spencer's sport blazer with tailored, cut-off sleeves doesn't look bizarre at all! And Heidi's hair totally doesn't look like a butterscotch stallion threw up all around her face!

The three-time newlyweds also offer never-before-seen peeks into their wedding day. 100% more sky writing! They tout their wham-bam-thank-you-sham ceremony as "the wedding of the year" twice to give it sufficient hype, then say they'll be giving us a much-needed -- opposite day! -- rehash of their story book romance (girl meets boy, girl changes phone number so boy will quit stalking her, boy shows up at da club with Playboy Bunnies, girl and boy develop freakish codependent relationship and alienate everyone they know, girl and boy perish violently in the jungle, and everyone lived happily ever after!), as well as interviews from the cast. Except for the person you actually want to hear from. Though early kudos to Holly for giving what I'm sure will be the quote of the night: "Anybody who owns a $10,000 purse deserves to get a potato thrown at it." Elegant, yet concise.

Spencer really gets things rockin' quickly by explaining that, from the moment he met Heidi, he was "like wow." Profound. And unless he does a tap dance dual against Mya for that jewel, I cannot abide. Spencer continues that Heidi was a mixed bag of characteristics, among them sexy and freaky, basically a female version of him. And she doesn't divorce him instantly. Because, indeed, she is a bloodsucking famewhore with zero social skills and an inflated sense of self. When Heidi met Spencer, she realized there was no one like him because he has no ability to self-censor. Two things: First, aren't you like him if you're the female version of him? Get your stories straight, people! Also, I believe autistic folks have that same talent of saying and doing whatever they think whenever they think it. Consider...